Hey Al, You Ever Had Your Salad Tossed?

Seriously, I could not have asked for a better Bears to have gone to. I said I was going to pee my pants if Hester returned a kick and then I had to do it TWICE. Thanks Devin. And in the same quarter at that? Made things a little bit chillier for me. There was a Bears win in overtime, another fourth quarter comeback and Hester returning two kicks, but on top of all that, I got a free Bears scarf! For being pretty! Or just because I walked into the stadium! But still! Could my life get any better? I submit that it cannot. Well then it got worse because Will turned into a complete fucking asshole to end the night because he can never leave well enough alone, but I'm not letting anything spoil me having seen the best football game ever. Our seats were pretty high up and I had a small-to-medium heart attack the first time I walked up those steps to row 24, but I don't think you could possibly have a bad seat at Soldier Field. Awesome, awesome AWESOME fucking game. Will may be the biggest fuck-up I've ever met, but at least he took me to the game, thanks bitch. And thank YOU, Devin Hester. And thank you, old-ass lady who gave her old-ass boyfriend an old-ass blowjob in the row right in front of me. The game wouldn't have been the same without you.

Just in case you aren't aware of how awesome Devin Hester, aka the Windy City Flyer, is, watch this clip on YouTube of him returning a kick in college against Duke. Not safe for work. Will cause instant boner.

So I went to California and came home last Monday. Watch for me to be on the Price is Right on December 11th - the lady in the row behind us got called up and won 10 grand so we're thinking we might be on for a second when the camera was on her in the seats. What a shitty looking studio though. I don't think they've updated anything in there since Bob Barker started. Drew Carey was funny though, in between commercial breaks. And then we did all that other jazz, Gruman's Theatre, tried an In-N-Out burger, the Kodak Theatre and the Hollywood Wax Museum which I thought was would be lame but ended up being a blast. Anytime I can stroke Jesus's beard and cup Angelina's boobs has to be a good time. We also went to the Griffith Observatory which was cool, seeing the Hollywood sign and stuff, ate at the Saddle Ranch where Bret Michaels took Heather and her family out to eat (I know! You hate me you're so jealous!), bought a pair of huge-ass Nicole Ritchie-esque sunglasses (my sole reason for going out there), went to San Diego for a night, won $14.25 playing Bonus Poker at a casino (I cashed that bitch out), went swimming in a heated pool at her aunts while our friends waited for snow flurries back here in Chicago BUT DIDN'T SEE A GODDAMN CELEBRITY. Not Paris, not Britney, not Lindsay, not even fucking Tara Reid. But I did have some lady, one of Diana's cousin's friends, ask me incredulously at the bar, "You drink BEER?" I think I scared them with my Miller Lite. There's a reason for my beer belly lady - it has been well earned.

Has anyone besides me ever heard of the show Sports Action Team? I've been trying to spread the word about this show because it's hysterical and have yet to meet someone who's seen it. They show it around 11:45 or midnight on NBC on Sundays, depending on when the Sunday night game ends. It's a documentary/improv type show a la The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm about a group of sports reporters who are all terrible at their jobs. It's only on during the football season I'm pretty sure, so you only have a short time left to catch it. This though, is the best clip ever. A comment someone left on that clip says it all - "Leave it to a Raider or Raiders fan to shoot someone." Actually they spelled it "r8r" but I won't subject you to that OR WILL I.

I'm not the hugest Killers fan in the entire world. By a long shot. I like Mr. Brightside and one or two others but hated their new songs, especially Read My Mind. A song that makes me love them though is their cover of Joy Division's Shadowplay they did for the Ian Curtis biopic Control. Listen to it, love it and thank me later.

Ever since I saw the TLC reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I realized I have seen my future. I hope to god I don't have sextuplets, but I'm pretty sure if I ever get married that's what my relationship with my husband will be like. God I love that show. And Run's House on MTV - Russy is the funniest unintentional kid ever. Really, I do have a life I SWEAR. I can't help it if I saw a Jon & Kate marathon two weeks ago and then two hours of Run's House last week. I gotta have something to keep me going since the fucking writer's strike is still going on. WORK IT OUT ALREADY, I WANT TO WATCH JON AND STEPHEN AGAIN.

Will spelled the word "ruin" as "rune". I've never wanted to punch someone in the face with such urgency before. I'm done. Done done done done DONE.

Public Service Announcement

I went to the AWESOMEST BEARS GAME IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TODAY.

Just wanted to share.

Bathroom, Restroom, Washroom, W.C, Porta-Potty, Take Your Pick

Some guy just came into work and asked if we "had a latrine." We're not in the fucking trenches buddy.

I Fought In The Old Revolution

Besides Angelina givng birth to Shiloh, nothing that happens in Hollywood really affects my life. Then the Writer's Guild has to be a complete fucking douche bag and go on strike. The rest of you could bitch and moan about having to watch reruns of the Daily Show, but me? I was actually planning on seeing one of those shows, Live with Jimmy Kimmel. What perfect timing assholes. Had it been any other time in my life it wouldn't affect me, but it's pretty clear that this is a direct assault on me. I have been pinpointed and I DON'T LIKE IT. Why are you singling me out of every other fannypack-American-flag-t-shirt-cowboy-hat-camera-slung-around-the-neck wearing toursit? I promise not to wear that t-shirt anymore if you LET ME SEE MY JIMMY KIMMEL.

I don't think I mentioned this yet - my sister Kerianne is finally a contributing member of society. No, she didn't start giving blowjobs for money (yet) SHE GOT A JOB. Since getting her first paycheck she has pretty much been my favorite person (after Billy Baldwin and before Thomas Jefferson) mainly because she buys beer for me! It is delightful! I love my sister having money! Way to go Kerianne - already making more money than your older, wiser, beautiful-er, more talented sister. I'm not bitter at all!

Since I discovered on Sunday while at the bar watching the Pats-Colts game that Miller Lite had peel-off labels to win a t-shirt, it has been my life goal to win one (who says I don't have determination now motherfuckers). Last night, after seeing way too many "sorry" 's I finally saw a "congratulations!" Aw hell yeah, in 4-6 weeks I will be wearing my very own XXL Miller Liller Chicago Football t-shirt. Seriously it was kind of pathetic how excited I got when I finally won one. Then Keri had to steal my thunder and win one later too. LET ME HAVE THE SPOTLIGHT FOR ONCE. Mine'll probably be prettier.

Before Halloween I had wanted to carve a pumpkin but before I could the squirrels ruined them outside, so my mom got me and Keri some free ones at the store earlier this week. I had my own little carving party Wednesday accompanied by me myself and I and carved the SHIT out of that pumpkin. I just followed some stencils we had so although they weren't free-hand carvings, the ghost and headless horseman I did still looked pretty fucking cool. (I am 23, carve pumpkins by myself and am ridiculously proud of them - guys start forming the line to the right) I come home from work yesterday and my dad says to me "Did you see your pumpkin won 1st place?" My dad, I found out later from my mom, literally went to the store with the sole intention of buying a first place ribbon. Found it. Bought it. And stuck it on my pumpkin. My dad does not do shit like this. Seriously. Ever. Nothing even remotely like this. He doesn't even know my birthday. Or my middle name, most likely. The last time he did something like this was in third grade when I did good on a math test (the good ones were few and far in between) and he bought me the Da-da cd, of "I'm Going to Disneyland" fame. God that cd ROCKED. The thought of him buying this at the store makes me smile cause aw, my dad does love me! Not like that fact was ever in question but too cute dad, too cute.

Before work Tuesday I pulled into 7-11 to get some coffee. I was close to the car on the left of me but figured I could swing the car in without having to back up because my depth perception is usually pretty off (though not as bad as Diana's. Her car is five feet long and watching her parallel park you'd think she was backing up a semi). I guess I have more faith in my depth perception that I really should because I hit the car. It was only some minor dents because I was going about a 1/2 a mile per hour but oh my god my heart started beating so fast I thought I was going to hyperventilate. A million thoughts were racing through my head WHERE'S THE INSURANCE CARD DO I EVEN HAVE INSURANCE DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME AM I HAVING A HEART ATTACK EVERYONE IN THE STORE IS STARING AT ME THEY ALL HEARD ME HIT THE CAR I THINK I'M DYING. I go in the store and ask whos SUV it is and it's some younger, but still older than me, guys car. We go outside, he sees the dent and scratches and goes "Don't worry about it." What? Are you serious? Do my ears deceive me? Hark, the herald angels sing? He wouldn't even let me buy him anything from 7-11. I was still shaking because I was so nervous, but seriously, how fucking awesome is that. The lady at the counter was like "that was really nice of you to come in and fess up to it." Who gives a shit what I did, HE is the nice one by not even caring at all. I can't wait for someone to hit me now (fingers crossed!) so I can react in the same way. But only if they're going super slow too cause if not I'll sue the shit out of them.

The Raiders are kicking to Hester tomorrow. You'll be sooooorrrryyyyyy.

Also: J.P, I don't even know if you read this, but you are an asshole for going to Eastern AND NOT EVEN COMING HOME TO VISIT US. You're dead to me.

SERIOUSLY, Who Doesn't Have A Boner

Amy Winehouse


Nicole Richie

Tax-Deductible Charity Organizations

You know what blows? When your favorite football team goes from almost winning the Superbowl one year to being fucking 3-5 the next year. Goddamnit. It's just like the White Sox not even making it to the play-offs in the 2006 season. It's not like I'm giving up on the Bears or anything, dragging my ass out of bed to watch football on Sundays is what I look forward to most all week, but throw me a goddamn bone here. Three fucking interceptions IN THE END ZONE Brian Griese? Really? Was that nessecary? Where's Orton when you need him.

The one saving grace? Devin Hester man, Devin Hester. If I could have his babies I would give him sextuplets just to show my appreciation. I don't know if he would actually appreciate being my babies' daddy to six kids, but I'll worry about the details later. I wish teams would stop being such pussies and just punt to him, but who can blame them for not, the guy gets at least 40 yeards it seems on every return. So I can't blame them, but I will hate them for it because most of the time it's the most exciting part of the game, seeing what holes he's gonna find in the defense and how far he's going to get. I want a Hester jersey for Christmas. J, Ker, you listening?

I am finally taking advantage of my weeks paid vacation I get at work and going to California on November 13th thru the 19th. Everytime I talk about it I get either California Love by Tupac, Goin to California by Led Zeppelin, California by Phantom Planet or California by Rufus Wainwright in my head. Ninety-nine percent of the time it's Tupac, but it's good to know I have options. (Why are there not as many Illinois songs? I am going to do something to rectify that situation pronto). I'm going with Diana and we're staying with her aunt and cousins, whom I love almost, if not more, than my own extended family. While there we're going to the Price is Right on the 14th (which Diana is way too excited about, I could really give a shit) and Jimmy Kimmel on the 15th, which I am way too excited about. Can I really afford this vacation? No I cannot, but I'm doing it up anyways. One of the first thoughts that popped into my head when I realized we'd be there a Sunday was "oh my god, I might miss the Bears game", but fret not kiddos, it's a Sunday night game on NBC, there is a god. I can't wait to pop my California cherry.

Five Minute Book Club Meeting: Read We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. Ms. Mac, having such impeccable taste, said it was one of her favorite books and since reading it, I whole-heartedly agree with her. It's a book written in letters from a wife to her husband recounting their marriage and the birth and upbringing of their son, Kevin who goes on to do a Columbine type (I'm not giving anything away here) massacre at his school. Kind of made me scared to have kids, but god was it a good book.

I got the new Radiohead album the other day (I didn't give them any money for it, I'm broke, lay off) and am not a huge fan of the whole thing, but love, love the song All I Need, which is the reason I bought (with monopoly money) it after hearing it on the radio. There are a couple good songs though, so get it cause it's free and you can't beat that OR CAN YOU.

The Lions coach Rod Marinelli said last week that they'd rather kick the ball into Lake Michigan then kick it to Devin Hester. So after EVERY SINGLE (no it did not get old at all!) punt/kick-off, before breaking into a commercial, they would show a ball getting tossed in the lake and floating around for a few seconds. The first time they did it my back was to the tv and my mom's telling me "the ball was in the lake!" I told her about the quote and how they were probably joking, but she was honestly confused for a minute about how the ball got kicked into the lake. Come on Mom. I know the stadiums right on the lake but nobody could throw (maybe Tom Brady?), let alone kick the ball into the lake, let's think about this seriously for a second. And then later she asked me what inning it was. Is it time for the home already mom?

Me and Keri have this thing where we're obsessed with the song Elephant Love Medley from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. It's a duet between Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman's characters and before we sing it, one of us has to pick if we're going to be Nicole or Ewan (I know, who wants to hang out with us now?). We hadn't done it in a couple months I don't think when on the way home from the bar Friday night, as Keri was driving and I was in charge of the iPod, I asked her "who do you want to be?" Without even thinking about it she says "Ewan". And then we belted our hearts out. I'm sure Diana was thrilled in the backseat. Is it possible to be in love with your own sister? No? Okay. Just asking. Forget I said anything.

We got it. Challenge it.

Talking Quotes

I had a dream last night that my sister wanted to get a tattoo. A tattoo of the earth with the word "Imagine" ABOVE it. I know, sounds pretty awesome right? The only problem is I have a tattoo of the earth with the word "Imagine" UNDERNEATH it. Oh my god people I was ANGRY in this dream. Like crying hysterically angry because I was so mad that she was going to get the same tattoo as me. Listen up bitch, if you EVER decide to do that, I can't stop you, but I will hold you down and spit in your ear. What now.

Thursday night we went out and I locked my keys in my car outside the bar (it was really far, then I fell in some tar, the night really was not up to par) so Will gave me a ride home because he was out too. Then he got really angry for some reason and we fought for the umpteenth time about how I don't like him like that, but he doesn't understand why, come just admit you have feelings for me and good lord, shut the fuck up because if I have to explain myself one more time I am going to shoot you in the fucking face afterwards. So I told him to leave and went to bed. I wake up the next morning to three text messages. I now present you with thee texts:

Will at 4:47 am: This is the last message I send you I truly care about you and I know it means nothing to you but if you ever have a change of heart - it gets cut off.
Will at 5:08 am: Ya this is the worst night ever not only did I lose you but I got hit by a car walking home and they drove away drunk drivers - cut off again. (Run-on sentences much?)
Lisa, his sister, at 6:08 am: Hey did you and my brother get in a fight tonight? He got hit by a car on the way home from your house. He is at home and out of it.

I don't know what I expected these text messages to say, but him getting HIT BY A FUCKING CAR was not one of them. Not like it's funny, it's not funny at all, but come on, yes it is a little bit. He's fine, his back hurts him, but he's still up and functioning considering he GOT HIT BY A CAR, ROLLED ONTO THE WINDSHIELD AND THE CAR JUST DROVE OFF. I didn't get why he was walking in the first place, but his car wouldn't start and he only lives about 7 blocks away so he just walked. Every time I tell someone I can't help smiling and laughing about it, not because I am a terrible person, but because it's just so fucked up. He got hit by a car. He then texted me (I know, it's the most logical thing I can think of to do when I am involved as the "hit" part of a hit and run). He finishes walking home. God WHY CAN I NOT STOP LAUGHING ABOUT THIS.

The other day at work some old dude, at least 70, came in to send something out. He had on a t-shirt with one of those yellow smiley faces on it that said "Smile if you swallow". I actually made a conscious effort to NOT smile the entire time I was helping him, like he was really going to call me out on being a "swallower" if I cracked a tiny smile. I just never pictured myself having to worry about a customer knowing if I swallow or spit. I guess there's a first time for everything.

I just bought an album on iTunes called Gulag Orkestar by this dude named Beirut and it's awesome. It has an Eastern European-gypsy-like tinge to it which I would never expect to be attracted to, but I obviously have a huge boner listening to it right now. It's an older one, I guess he just put out a newer one last month, but I'm working on it in chronological order so fuck off. iTunes is my lover.

Reading update: I just finished No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy and it was super good. Way different from The Road, but written in the same literary style which I really like. It's simple, with barely any commas, apostrophes and no talking quotes (the technical term eludes me), which I love. I mean I love books with no talking quotes, not talking quotes themselves. Talking quotes can go to hell for all I care. I have Torette's and all I can say is talking quotes. TALKING QUOTES.

If you guys missed the Ken Burns documentary The War last week, then I feel really bad for you. If you ever find yourself with 14 hours to spare, rent this and laugh, cry and be amazed like I was/did. It was seriously faaaaaaantastic.

It's The First Of The Ascension

I stupidly tried out the "update your template" button the other day and can't undo the changes. I hate how the archives look now and can't do anything about it. It also erased my stat counter thingy (the techinical term for it). How will I ever find out now what people searched for to find my blog, HOW WILL I EVER KNOW. I am aggravated.

So Cubs fans, it was over pretty much as soon as it started. I almost hope for your sakes they win at least one game tomorrow cause to go out 0-3 is embarassing. I don't know anything about that because the Sox went 11-1 in the playoffs. And then they won the World Series - not sure if you remember that. We were at the bar Wednesday for karaoke but instead it was filled with Cubs fans watching the game. One of my friends, and I use that word in the loosest way possible, is a Sox fan too and was being a complete tool about the whole thing, clapping when the Cubs struck out, that kind of shit. She went to ASU for two years, so she reasoned her rooting for the D-backs by saying every chance she got "Arizona is my second home." Ok, makes sense, but still, you are annoying. By the end of the night it had changed into "I've lived in Arizona my whole life and would die for the Diamondbacks! I grew up there! I used to manage the team! Before that I was a third base coach! I hit the game running home run in the '84 World Series!" Which is really weird, seeing as I remember being in French class with her in high school for four years. Must have been a dream. Christ on a crucifix, I WILL ASSASINATE YOU NICOLE IF YOU DO NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I bought a cd by Tokoyo Police Club yesterday and aren't sure if I like it. Cool - I love wasting my money.

It's almost 90 degrees here in Chicago. And it is NOT June like I keep thinking it is. Seriously, each time I see the date or am reminded that it's October I'm surprised. Time to get ready for Flag Day, or no, I mean Halloween. They're one in the same to me anyways.

My parents finally came home last Friday. Keri and I were out and they didn't get home until about 1:00 am while we didn't get home until 4:30. So what did we do? I convince Keri that we should go jump in their bed to say WELCOME HOME! to them, who cares that it's almost 5:00 am - we haven't seen them in three weeks. So then we jumped in their bed and laid there for about five minutes talking really loudly and being annoying. My dad really appreciated it more than my mom did, I'm sure of it. Anyways, so you guys have been back for a week now.....when are you leaving next. Don't overstay your welcome. And yes, I am 23 years old.

If my family doesn't humor me and go apple picking with me either Saturday or Sunday like I've been pleading with them to do for the past week, I'm never talking to any of them again.

Throw The Rock

My parents finally come home tomorrow, or at least I think tomorrow, considering I haven't talked to them since Saturday and their lasseiz-faire attitude towards letting us know just where in the continental US they are right now. It just better not be today because oh lordy, there is cleaning to be done. I did the kitchen pretty spectacularly yesterday, as I was cooking dinner at that (move over Susie Homemaker), and of course not ten minutes after I'm done, my sister comes downstairs to eat and leaves cheese all over my sparkling countertops. I exaggerate greatly, it was more like four shards of shredded cheese but come on. Please take care to wipe off the countertops as to not enrage me greatly. I can't wait for mom to get home so things can get back to normal with her as the enrager, while I am the enragee.

Another great thing about mom and dad coming home? Will can stop begging to stay over at my house. I don't get the attraction anyways, as he has his own condo, plus why would you want to stay the night with someone who makes it pretty obvious she does not want you there. Oh, that's right - it's because I'm a pushover, I almost forgot.

So Green bay is 3-0 and the Bears are 1-2. Great Rex Grossman, great. I think if Lovie hadn't have finally announced he's gonna pull Grossman for Griese next week, the whole city of Chicago would have boycotted. Not really, but we all would have definitley wondered what the fuck else Rex could possibly do as the "last straw". Throw 84 interceptions? Sounds pretty final to me.

If you've never read any Margaret Atwood, you must. Right now. Ms. Mac and I, because we are this awesome, have pretty much started our own Transcontinental Book Club (fuck you Oprah. Just kidding, I love you!) and it's been revolving around Atwood for the past couple weeks. I've only read two of them, The Handmaid's Tale and The Blind Assasin, but loved both of them. After reading The Handmaid's Tale first, I thought maybe all her books would be the same type, but they definitely are not, consisdering again I've only read two. So if you are in a funk of reading shitty books, check out some Maraget Atwood and love Ms. Mac and I later.

Mark Ronson, who's album I raved about in my last post, has done a version of Bob Dylan's song Most Likely You Go Your Way and I'll Go Mine. And it is fantastic. Imagine that, my singer du jour of yesteryear and my singer du jour of the present year, mashing it up together - loves it. And now I can't find it on youTube, but believe me, it's out there. BELIEVE ME.

If Keri doesn't have a tuna casserole waiting for me when I get home, somebody is going back in their cage.

Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before

Thank you, thank you Chicago Bears, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. Well really I'm talking about Devin Hester, but I refuse to bitch about Rex Grossman anymore. He is our quarterback no matter how much you whine so just accept it and shut the fuck up. I have - I'm just wanting for the rest of Chicago to follow en suite.

My friend Maribeth's baby was christened this past Sunday. Or more like her baby made us go to church for 20 minutes before she would let us start drinking and eating - same thing. Her baby is hands down, the cutest baby in the entire world and that fact makes me nervous to have kids. Will my kids not be as cute as her? Will I think my own children are ugly? Will I hold it against my kids that they're ugly, if they are? Will my friends secretly think my baby's ugly? Can I blame them for that? Am I a psycho? Sometimes this question seriously worries me because I have no qualms about calling out an ugly baby. Not to their face or the parents by any means, but hey, I call it like I see it. I'm doomed to have ugly children.

I kind of went on a bender this past week and drank from Tuesday thru Sunday. I wasn't going to drink at all Sunday because I felt shitty from Saturday night, and then I end up drinking from 3:00 pm (football and Pepsi just don't have the same ring) until 2:00 am. Not drinking at all turns into ELEVEN hours of it. I am a disgusting, disgusting person.

My sister and I saw the Frames again last Saturday. I just want that band to follow me around around for the rest of my life providing the soundtrack, is that really too much to ask? While we were at the concert or "Block Party" there were a couple random stands with food and clothes. At this one stand, a lady bought t-shirts at a thrift store and turned them into, unfortunately, tube-tops. But I had to buy one that said, "I still call it Comiskey" because I DO still call it Comiskey, U.S Cellular Park (where the Sox play) is just too ugly and I refuse to use it. So I may never wear this shirt, but it is still the most awesome thing I've ever bought, Charelston Chews notwithstanding.

If I get a boner from nothing else in life, I get one from a guy who smells good. Preferably Hugo Boss because oh my GOD that smell is delicious. Some guy just came into work smelling super good and now his scent is lingering and I am in heaven. Just thought you might all want to know - I don't like to keep good news to myself.

My brother got me a $25 iTunes gift card for my birthday a couple weeks ago. Just because I had the "free" money, I really wanted to spend it right away even though there was nothing that was musically catching my ears at the moment. So on an impulse I buy the new Rilo Kiley album because I love love LOVE the first single, Silver Lining. Yeah, and the rest of the cd blows (sorry Bill, you probably love it). Maybe because I've only listened to it twice, but I can't even bring myself to listen to it again. Then the other cd I bought was The Good, The Bad and the Queen, another one of Damon Albarn's side projects. That cd is actually pretty awesome and I've listened to it a ton, but each time I do, I wish he'd step it up a notch and the music would get faster. But regardless, a great cd and I totally don't regret buying it. Then I waste the last $4 on some stupid compliation cd of new music and only like three of the songs. But then, THEN about five days after I spent the last of the money, I discover a cd that I must buy, there is no other choice, I will die if I can't listen to it RIGHT NOW - Mark Ronson's Versions. It's a bunch of (surprise!) covers, and it doesn't matter whether you know the original or not, you love the songs regardless. He covers everything from Britney Spears to Radiohead to the Kaiser Chiefs to the Smiths. It's the most addicting cd ever, and if you hate it then I hate you. That's just the way it has to be.

My parents have been on vacation since last Tuesday and they could have been gone all my life for how much I miss them and want them to come home right now. That's supposed to mean I wish they would never come home, but now that I re-read it, it sounds like I can't ever move out on my own or something - definitely not the case. It's just, you know, feel free to stay on vacation for as long as you want! Somehow, someway, Keri and I will find a way to manage with out yous guys.

I Fucking Love This Song. And This Website

Valerie - Amy Winehouse

Sarah, Catherine, Salman, Bailey

My sister, her friend Amy and I were at the bar last Thursday, and as we walk in, the guy-girl duo on stage is singing Building a Mystery by Sarah McLachlan. Now I don't ever really want to hear Sarah McLachlan, but in a bar of all places? How does that happen, at one of their practices the girl suggests, "Sarah McLachlan! That'll rev up the crowd!"? And then the guy agrees with her? I can't fathom it. You know what really did rev me up though, the sixty John Mellencamp songs the bar played in between the duo's set. I can't get enough of the Coug.

My friends and I celebrated my other friend Catherine's birthday Wednesday through Saturday last week - I think my liver almost went out on me Sunday morning. My mom said to me at one point, "Why do you have a friend that's so young?" Christ mom, if I was 35, maybe that would be an appropriate questions, but I'm only 23. Give me a break here. But I am getting old. Frig.

I stopped reading the Salman Rushdie book the other day. It got to a point where I was dreading reading it, until I remembered, oh right, it's not required that I finish it, I can use my FREE WILL, return it, and start a book I'm actually interested it. This free will thing, sometimes I forget about it. Now I'm reading The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood and am pleasently pleased as punch pie ( I can't get enough alliteration) by how good it is. And probably because it's like going from reading Homer's the Odyssey to a Babysitter's Club book.

So my parents sell me a car and two days later the tail lights and the dashboard lights are out. Thanks, assholes. But really though, thanks cause you better be paying for it. M & D are leaving on their annual two week vacation next Tuesday, sweeeeetass. Just me, Keri and the dog. Bailey can get pretty crazy sometimes, so it should be a good time. As long as she doesn't roll in her own shit again and I have to try in vain to lure her into the basement sink by putting a step ladder up to the sink and holding a treat above it, all because I refuse to try and pick her up. I know, I still can't believe it didn't work either. Stupid ass dog.

This weekend: The Frames and THE BEARS. God I can't fucking wait.

All Our Favorites Were Playing So We Could Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake

I'm only on page 98 of the Salman Rushdie book out of 450. This is not going as planned. It's not that it's THAT hard to read, it's just not THAT easy. At this rate I could be 35 by the time I finish it. But it will be worth it, right? It better be because I could have read three books in the amount of time I've already put into this one. Dang a rang.

I cannot stop eating today at work. I've had a bowlful of cantaloupe, a bag of Kellogg's Special K cereal, a turkey sandwich, a small bag of Doritos and animal crackers and just now I'm eating a Three Musketeers. And it's barely 6:oo. If I didn't know for sure I wasn't pregnant (praise the lord!) I'd be a little worried right now. I better get this out of my system now though - me and Keri are going on a super diet starting September 1st for the entire month. Will I actually be able to drag my fat ass onto the treadmill and stop drinking beer? Most likely not on the latter, but I better cause I will NOT lose this contest to Keri. I'm gonna be eating so many carrots my skins gonna turn orange.

Guess who finally got their very first car, at the ripe old age of 23? That would be me, bitches. It's a brand new 1995 Pontiac Bonneville with only 146,000 miles on it! With no cd player! And it kinda smells like a wet dog inside! The sellers, who I call Mom and Dad (no relation), drove a hard baragin, but I drove off in that sweet new ride, so really, who got the better deal here. Freedom. Finally.

My friend Catherine turned 21 last night, so me and my sister met up with our friends at the bar "for one beer", which of course turned into us not coming home until 4:00 am. While at the second bar of the night, and in the middle of me and my sister DOMINATING at bags (yes they have a set of bags in the bar, no I don't know why) I started talking to this guy who I had noticed looking at me once or twice. As soon as he starts talking, I realize he has a lisp. A fucking lisp. I realize this is not his fault, he was born with it or something, but really, a lisp? There's nothing more discerning (am I using that word right?) that hearing a guy say something to you for the first time in a lisp. I'm sure I'm coming off as judgemental, or bitchy, but you know you all think the same thing, just admit it. Lisps. I can't do it.

Thank god football season is starting soon because the White Sox are just depressing me. I went to a game last Friday and there was more Red Sox fans there than White Sox fans, it was pathetic. I mean, I still love them, but why are they making it so fucking hard right now. Rex Grossman, make sports exciting for me again. September 9th, hurry the fuck up.

No work tomorrow to go to Jazz Fest, so excited. Next Saturday, seeing the Frames again with Keri. Even more excited.

Thank God For Cellphones

I'm downstairs in the basement on the computer and Keri is upstairs in her room watching tv. She calls me from her room to let me know To Catch a Predator is on MSNBC right now. Sister, you are the best.

You! Me! Dancing!

The Peter Bjorn and John concert was most likely, one of the most magical moments of my life. Free tickets? Check. Not-too-crowded venue? Check. Awesome opening band? Check. PB&J playing every single one of my favorite songs? Check. Peter jumping into the crowd on the last song, my FAVORITE song, and playing the guitar surrounded by people about five feet from me? Check. Me getting backstage and having a threesome with Bjorn and John? Maybe next time. And there will be a next time - they're coming back September 25th and come hell or high water, I will be there. Aw hell yeah.

I chopped off my hair. Like really really chopped it off. As in 13 inches, which I donated to Locks of Love because I'm such a wonderful person and all that jazz. I wash it, I let it air dry, and I am good to go - pretty much the best haircut ever. I've gotten a lot of compliments on it (I know, I can't believe how humble I am either), but most importantly, I love it. Whenever I get it cut, the lady will ask if I part my hair, and I say, yes, I part it on the left, my left. It never fails that they part it for me, about a centimeter from the middle of my head and it looks awful. I was panicing for a couple of minutes looking at my newly shorn hair all wet and parted basically in the middle because it looked terrible, but as soon as I put my part in the right place I stopped hyperventilating because I looked smashing. Ok, Ok I'll get over myself, but really, I love it. Love it love it love it.

The nail on my ring finger must have gotten snagged on something and since I can't seem to stop picking at it for the life of me, I will soon have a very short nail on that finger, a very tragic thought for me. I realized I am seriously one of those Oh-My-God-I-Broke-A-Nail-Type Girls, and I am totally okay with it. Bring me the clear nail polish PRONTO.

I finally sucked it up last week and paid my library fine - a whopping $17.60. I had been on eBay scouring for books to buy when I realized I needed to stop being a dumbass and BUYING books when I could just pay my fine and then get books for FREE. Sometimes you have to spell it out for me. I've been on a reading binge this past week, reading The Yiddish Policeman's Union by Michael Chabon and Lucky by Alice Sebold. Chabon's book was pretty good because I fell in love with the cranky balding Jewish policeman character and the concept was different - Israel had only existed for three months before they lost a war to the Palestinians so the US government let all the Jews come to Alaska for 60 years until the "Reversion" was to go into effect and the land would return Alaska and the Jews wouldn't be able to live there anymore. And it was kinda a murder mystery. But not even really cause I don't get into mysteries really. Really. Lucky was okay. I like her fiction better, The Lovely Bones, actually one of my favorite books ever. Lastly I'm finally reading some Salman Rushdie, Midnight's Children, which I should be doing right now but instead I'm typing out a stupid post. And going on way too long about this subject. Moving on.

Since I've been working five days a week here I've been getting off every Saturday, something that enormously excites me. Last weekend I had Friday off too because my friends and I were supposed to go camping, and as it happens with every other plans we make, of course it never happened. Instead I spent about 95% of the weekend in Diana's pool, having a grand ol' time. It was probably one of the funnest weekends, and all we did was drink and swim. I don't want summer to ever ever end. Maybe I COULD live in weather like this year round. Must. Stop. Crazy. Talk.

I want to see Superbad super bad. Oh man, the creatives juices are flowin now!

The short, Mexican mailman who drops off the mail at work has a crush on me. Every Saturday he would bring in pizza for lunch and I would let him listen to the Cubs game, if the Sox game wasn't already on. I haven't seen him lately because I haven't been working Saturdays, but he came in today instead with lunch. Everytime he asks me if I believe in God, and I never really have an answer cause I don't know what my opinions are when it comes to religion anymore, but if I have to become a Bible-thumper for free pizza, I'll do it.

This lady who has a mailbox here at the store came in a few minutes ago and said "Hi Katie Bear!" Now I love this lady, she's really nice and we always talk for a few minutes, but hold the phone, did you really just call me "Katie Bear"? Why do I always have animal nicknames, with K-dawg in college and now this? I get it - clearly I do not look human, but must you lay it on so thick?

North American Scum

Lollapaloza is this weekend and again, because I'm an idiot, didn't get tickets. I was trying to talk my brother into trying to sneak in with me Saturday but he's being a douche and won't go with me. (The Cold War Kids Jay, THE COLD WAR KIDS!) but today I got a phone call that made it all better. I didn't recognize the number and being a pussy, I didn't pick it up but they left a message. It was my favorite radio station XRT calling to tell me I WON TICKETS TO SEE PETER, BJORN AND JOHN AT A LOLLAPALOZA AFTERSHOW ON SUNDAY. Aw hell yeah bitches! This is a band I've been dying to see for awhile and now I get to see them FOR FREE. There was no way to even buy tickets, you had to win them through the radio staion, a fact that makes it even cooler. This is so much better than the Chris Cornell concert I won but couldn't go to. I AM SO EXCITED.

I went on a date last night with this guy I've known since I was 17, Jim. It was weird in the fact that normally we're always drunk when we hang out and I've known him for so long but the fact that I've known him for so long also made it better than a normal first date. Make sense? Thought so. He's a giant asshole but he's nice to me, and plus who doesn't want to be taken out to dinner? I really doubt this is going to go anywhere, but it would be nice if it did. Plus maybe it would get Will to stop basically declaring his love for me (we went out for TWO MONTHS, PLEASE SHUT UP), and that would be a very nice thing.

So I kind of had a mental breakdown at work Tuesday. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me, it's not even like customers were being assholes, but I just got so overwhelmed and was on the verge of tears for an hour until I actually DID cry. Not sobbing hysterically by any means, but even our UPS driver told me to go have a cigarette because he could tell I was so upset. I know (almost) everyone hates their job and complains, so I try not too that much, but damn. I just hate this place so much. I know I need to get a new job, I'M TRYING but the trying ain't going nowhere. Katie, a year after graduation: still at the fucking UPS Store.

New musical obsessions: Elvis Perkins and LCD Soundsystem. Check out Elvis if you want to cry and LCD if you want to dance. I remix them cause I like to cry while I dance.

I finished Harry Potter On Monday night, or more like Tuesday morning since it was 3:00 am. That is turtle speed compared to my sister who was done by 10:30 pm Saturday (the day after we bought it) and my brother who started reading around 3:00 pm Monday and had only 100 pages left when I went to bed at 3:00 am. I'm not going to spoil anything but still, maybe you shouldn't read the rest of the paragraph if you don't want to know anything. All I can say is I was disappointed. It could have been an awesome ending but instead it was very non-awesome. I expected better out of you J.K. Much better. Still though, a good book. Just not the ending I wanted or expected. Wah wah, why doesn't the world cater to me.

Totally thought I was getting paid today. Totally did not.

Countdown: 5 Hours And 39 Minutes

So yeah, I stood in line this morning before work with my sister to get a wristband for later today when the last Harry Potter book comes out, what's it to you? The fact that I'm 23 and did this just makes me even cooler. I just got off the phone with Keri and decided we're going to go to the bar for an hour or so before we leave to get in line at 11:30. Going to the bar, then to get Harry Potter, then home to read. We're awesome. So so so fucking excited to read this book. And so so so sad at the same time that it's the last one. I will be done with this book come Monday MARK MY WORDS. I am so ominous.

I am seriously going to have an intervention for all the old ladies of Oak Lawn that order shit from QVC and the Home Shopping Network. TURN OFF YOUR TV OR GET A FUCKING HOBBY THAT DOESN'T COST YOU MONEY. How about knitting? Yarn can't be that much. Or get into pro wwrestling like my grandma was. Anything but ordering off those goddamn tv stations. Do you ever actually KEEP anything? It drives me crazy to see them come in here day after day. Every single week the same people come in and spend $50 or more just returning everything they buy. I thought you were supposed to get wiser with age. Apparently not.

After way too many years of working at this here UPS Store, guess what I just done earned. PAID HOLIDAYS AND A WEEKS PAID VACATION, bitches. Aw hell yeah, moving on up. I hope I stay here for the rest of my life!

One time, at least six or seven years ago, my mom came back from food shopping and said, "I got something for you Kate." I was hoping ice cream, maybe swiss cheese or a pony, but it was none of the above. I asked what and she proudly held up a bottle and said "KETHUP!" It's been an ongoing joke that only I find funny since then because while it's very true that I like ketchup, I don't think I've ever jumped up and down or drooled from the mouth when my mom has brought some home. Everytime she says she bought me something since then, my first guess is always KETCHUP!, but the other day she was looking in the pantry for some reason and goes, "Kate, we have paper bags!" If I had been packing a lunch at the time or trying to make puppets this would have made sense, but I was eating a bowl of cereal. Some kids (23 year olds?) get excited over cupcakes or Doritos, but my mom gets me ketchup! and paper bags! Life is good living at home.

Last week I got a free gift card in a magazine or something for a free book on tape, or rather book I could put and listen to on my iPod. It's really bizarre listening to a book on my iPod though. I feel like I'm concentrating so hard on trying to remember names and keeping the story line straight that I don't really enjoy it. Ok that's not true cause it's a pretty good book so far (The Falling Man by I don't remember who) but still, I'm not sure if I am a Person Who Listens To Rather Than Reads Books. Usually I'm reading while listening to my iPod. Now the book is ON the iPod and it throws me all off. I obviously can't read another book. I just have to sit there. And listen. And NOT fall asleep. This book-on-iPod shit is boring.

I still have to get my costume ready for later. I hope my mom's done sewing my cape.

Back To Black

I know songs in commercials are a big deal for some people, but I've gotten into some good songs through that medium, so I don't mind it. The latest one is an M&M's commercial with The The's This Is the Day. I'd heard the song before, but now can't stop listening to it on YouTube, where the video is. Also, I don't who's ballsy-er, The Band or The The. I think The Band. Ain't nobody got bigger balls than Robbie Robertson.

I'm seeing Dylan this Sunday for the first time in about three years, in Indianapolis. Will got me these tickets for my birthday but now I'm going with Diana instead because she has a friend down there we can stay with. Sure there's going to be a screaming three month old baby, we have to sleep on the floor and Diana will probably make me listen to the Grateful Dead/Widespread Panic/String Cheese Incident the entire ride down there, but I'll take any of those over two days of Will bitching about his job and me pretending to care by nodding a lot and saying "yeah" and/or "that sucks" about 8400 times all the while screaming in my head NOBODY LIKES THEIR JOB PLEASE SHUT UP. And they call it puppy loooo-uh-uh-vveeee. So anyways, Dylan! Yay! The eternal question: Will I finally have his love child? I'll let you know Monday.

One more reason I wish I had HBO: Flight of the Conchords. I watched the first episode yesterday on a free podcast on iTunes and it was really funny. Why can't more things be free. Besides my love of course, because that's free for everyone! Except John Mellencamp.

One of my favorite things about summer is all the seasonal fruit that comes out, besides my brother (he's out year-round). My mom brought back some cherries and peaches from Michigan last Sunday and I am not exaggerating ONE BIT when I say they were the most delicious things ever. Seriously, it's pathetic how happy strawberries, cherries, watermelon and peaches make me - I think I'm a fruitopheliac, WARN YOUR GARDENS. My mom and I went to the farmer's market today to buy some more but I've been spoiled forever by those brilliant! cherries. Damn you Michigan DAMN YOU.

Last Saturday Diana, Lauren and I were in the Burger King drive-thru, and Lauren, sitting shotgun, jumped out of the car because she knew someone in the car ahead of us she hadn't seen in awhile. In her excitedness or something, she didn't close the car door and a minute or so later when she realized it was still open, ran back to close it really quick. She forgot the windows were down and went to close it by pushing on the window. She almost dove through the open window before catching herself and I then pee'd myself laughing. I love my friends.

It Won't Let Me Type A Goddamn Title

1. Yeah, I know I've been a slacker lately, but I just feel like I have nothing to say. You know how when you haven't talked to someone in a long time, when you do finally talk, sometimes it's awkward because you feel like there's so much you SHOULD have to say that you can't think of TO say? But if you talk to someone everyday, you just talk about normal stupid shit that you wouldn't really remember to talk about if it had been awhile? No? It's just me? Well that's how I feel. Yeah shit goes on in my life, but when it's been so long since I've done an actual post, I feel like everything I say has to be a really good story or funny or something. I don't know. I'm probably just lazy. ANYWAYS, I'm gonna try for ten here but no promises.

2. I actually had the following conversation with my friends a couple weeks ago. Back on my birthday, on the way to the Sox game, for whatever reason Lauren said something about Alexander Graham Bell inventing the lightbulb:

Diana: No, Thomas Jefferson invented the lightbulb.
Lauren: Ohh....right.
Me: DUMBASSES, Thomas Jefferson was our third president. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb.
Diana: You went to college Katie. We didn't.

Then just last night, we were laughing about it telling our friend Claudio and he says,

"But wait, was Thomas Jefferson actually a president?"
Me: "Yeah he was our third. He bought the Louisiana Purchase....?"
Claudio: "Oh right. I was thinking of Benjamin Franklin."

And he's in the process of applying to law school. My friends need to stop smoking so much pot.

3. I broke up with Will last month after I got sick of his too-nice ways - I don't take no shit from NO ONE. A few days after we broke up I heard that he was renouncing the Cubs as his baseball team and becoming a Sox fan. If we hadn't of been broken up already, that would have done it for me. He had been a Cubs fan his whole life and then one day just switches sides. How does that even happen, I would love to know. Now he just looks like a huge idiot because the Sox are in fourth place and the Cubs are only a handful of games outta first. God, I don't know why it gets me so riled up. I think I'm just over protective of my Sox, but christ that turns me off so much. I'll never say this again, but I hope the Cubs win it all this year ( I know it's laughable, that's why I don't feel bad saying it) just so he realizes he's the biggest douche bag in the entire world. Stick with your team, bitch.

4. One last Sox thing: after god knows how many weeks of keeping us in limbo about whether they were gonna sign Mark Buerhle, they finally signed him today to a four year deal. Jesus christ Kenny Williams, took you long enough. But thank you thank you thank you for doing that.

5. Keri and I saw the movie Once about a month ago and I finally got around to buying the soundtrack while I was in Arizona. Well then it magically got all scratched up in my luggage on the way home and I had to buy it again on iTunes, but nonetheless, I finally got it and it's been my obsession du jour for the past two weeks. You know how sometimes you love a song so much it's almost like you can feel a knot in your chest you want to hear it so bad? Yeah, that's how this whole cd is, especially the song Lies. Buy this cd and see this movie because both are the best ever.

6. I've read a couple good books lately: The Road by Cormac McCarthy (such such SUCH a good book). I was almost done reading it the night before we left for Arizona and knew I had to finish it then because I was going to cry and didn't want to do it on the airplane. While at the bookstore in O'Hare, me and some old dude went to reach for the same book, No Country for Old Men by the same author and ended up talking for a few minutes about The Road and other books we had both read and loved. Then another lady asked me if I was a big reader and could I recommend a book for her to read on the plane, so I suggested The Kite Runner. I really wish I knew if she liked the book or not - I always get nervous when I recommend a book I love to someone because I'm afraid they won't like it as much as me and I'll have to kill them, but I guess that's just the way things happen sometimes. I've also read Beasts of No Nation by Uzodinma Iweala (really good too) and just finished today Suite Francaise Irene Nemirovsky, which took me awhile to get into but was worth it in the end. The backstory about the author is almost better than the story itself though - she was a Russian Jew who moved to France way before WWII, converted her and her kids to Catholicism, not even necessarily because of Hitler, but was captured, sent to a concentration camp, died in 1942 there and this book was discovered sixty years later. How the hell do you compete with that.


7. I love summer. I fucking LOVE summer. Even if it's just sitting outside in the sun reading, I love it. Or if it's going downtown to the Taste Of Chicago Friday to see a free Black Crowes concert with my friends, I love it. Or swimming in Diana's backyard. Or sitting outside by myself reading, getting severely sun burnt, soon to be joined by my sister to start drinking at 2:00 pm, soon to be joined by my brother after he got off work at 5:30 and then get more beer, soon to be joined by my dad after he got home from the bar with his friends, and then soon to join my bed when I was drunk by 8:30 pm. Just a random example, really. Moral of this story? I LOVE SUMMER.

8. I have a zit right in the middle of my eyebrow. Awwwwwwwwwwesome.

9. The countdown for Harry Potter has begun. Less than two more weeks to wait for the seventh book I don't know if I can handle it. I think Harry's going to die and I'm trying to prepare my tear ducts for it, but I don't think anything can. July 21st HURRY UP.

10. I read in Cosmo yesterday that your boobs can keep growing into your mid-twenties. This means two more years of wishful thinking. Best news I've heard all year, bitches.

The Horror

I honestly, HONESTLY said to my friend today, "I'm not mad at you. I'm just dissappointed." WHY AM I ALREADY TURNING INTO MY MOTHER AT 23.