Saturday, November 10, 2007

I Fought In The Old Revolution

Besides Angelina givng birth to Shiloh, nothing that happens in Hollywood really affects my life. Then the Writer's Guild has to be a complete fucking douche bag and go on strike. The rest of you could bitch and moan about having to watch reruns of the Daily Show, but me? I was actually planning on seeing one of those shows, Live with Jimmy Kimmel. What perfect timing assholes. Had it been any other time in my life it wouldn't affect me, but it's pretty clear that this is a direct assault on me. I have been pinpointed and I DON'T LIKE IT. Why are you singling me out of every other fannypack-American-flag-t-shirt-cowboy-hat-camera-slung-around-the-neck wearing toursit? I promise not to wear that t-shirt anymore if you LET ME SEE MY JIMMY KIMMEL.

I don't think I mentioned this yet - my sister Kerianne is finally a contributing member of society. No, she didn't start giving blowjobs for money (yet) SHE GOT A JOB. Since getting her first paycheck she has pretty much been my favorite person (after Billy Baldwin and before Thomas Jefferson) mainly because she buys beer for me! It is delightful! I love my sister having money! Way to go Kerianne - already making more money than your older, wiser, beautiful-er, more talented sister. I'm not bitter at all!

Since I discovered on Sunday while at the bar watching the Pats-Colts game that Miller Lite had peel-off labels to win a t-shirt, it has been my life goal to win one (who says I don't have determination now motherfuckers). Last night, after seeing way too many "sorry" 's I finally saw a "congratulations!" Aw hell yeah, in 4-6 weeks I will be wearing my very own XXL Miller Liller Chicago Football t-shirt. Seriously it was kind of pathetic how excited I got when I finally won one. Then Keri had to steal my thunder and win one later too. LET ME HAVE THE SPOTLIGHT FOR ONCE. Mine'll probably be prettier.

Before Halloween I had wanted to carve a pumpkin but before I could the squirrels ruined them outside, so my mom got me and Keri some free ones at the store earlier this week. I had my own little carving party Wednesday accompanied by me myself and I and carved the SHIT out of that pumpkin. I just followed some stencils we had so although they weren't free-hand carvings, the ghost and headless horseman I did still looked pretty fucking cool. (I am 23, carve pumpkins by myself and am ridiculously proud of them - guys start forming the line to the right) I come home from work yesterday and my dad says to me "Did you see your pumpkin won 1st place?" My dad, I found out later from my mom, literally went to the store with the sole intention of buying a first place ribbon. Found it. Bought it. And stuck it on my pumpkin. My dad does not do shit like this. Seriously. Ever. Nothing even remotely like this. He doesn't even know my birthday. Or my middle name, most likely. The last time he did something like this was in third grade when I did good on a math test (the good ones were few and far in between) and he bought me the Da-da cd, of "I'm Going to Disneyland" fame. God that cd ROCKED. The thought of him buying this at the store makes me smile cause aw, my dad does love me! Not like that fact was ever in question but too cute dad, too cute.

Before work Tuesday I pulled into 7-11 to get some coffee. I was close to the car on the left of me but figured I could swing the car in without having to back up because my depth perception is usually pretty off (though not as bad as Diana's. Her car is five feet long and watching her parallel park you'd think she was backing up a semi). I guess I have more faith in my depth perception that I really should because I hit the car. It was only some minor dents because I was going about a 1/2 a mile per hour but oh my god my heart started beating so fast I thought I was going to hyperventilate. A million thoughts were racing through my head WHERE'S THE INSURANCE CARD DO I EVEN HAVE INSURANCE DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME AM I HAVING A HEART ATTACK EVERYONE IN THE STORE IS STARING AT ME THEY ALL HEARD ME HIT THE CAR I THINK I'M DYING. I go in the store and ask whos SUV it is and it's some younger, but still older than me, guys car. We go outside, he sees the dent and scratches and goes "Don't worry about it." What? Are you serious? Do my ears deceive me? Hark, the herald angels sing? He wouldn't even let me buy him anything from 7-11. I was still shaking because I was so nervous, but seriously, how fucking awesome is that. The lady at the counter was like "that was really nice of you to come in and fess up to it." Who gives a shit what I did, HE is the nice one by not even caring at all. I can't wait for someone to hit me now (fingers crossed!) so I can react in the same way. But only if they're going super slow too cause if not I'll sue the shit out of them.

The Raiders are kicking to Hester tomorrow. You'll be sooooorrrryyyyyy.

Also: J.P, I don't even know if you read this, but you are an asshole for going to Eastern AND NOT EVEN COMING HOME TO VISIT US. You're dead to me.

No comments: