Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Sorry, My Mind Is All About The Aral Sea Right Now

I was watching tv earlier tonight (how out of the ordinary!) and an Outback Steakhouse commercial came out. They weren't promoting a new steak or new deal at all. They were promoting "Call Ahead Seating". It was this marvelous new idea where you call the restaurant BEFORE you go there to reserve a seat. Hence calling ahead for a seat. In laymans terms I'm pretty sure it's called "making a reservation." Who do they think they are? Did Outback Steakhouse take it upon themselves to get rid of the term "reservations" and in its place use "call ahead seating" which by the way is WAY easier to say and doesn't waste as much breath as the word "reservations." Or do they think that they are the first restuarant to think of such a thing? Who brags about having the option of "call ahead seating" anyways? The steak must not be so good if they're focusing on begging people to use this reservations option instead of the food. I bet Applebee's takes "call ahead seating" too. What now Outback?

I got back one of my term papers yesterday, one you might recognize as being "China blows". I started that paper around 11:00 pm the night before it was due and I think I wrapped up around 3:00 or so. A lot of research went into it, as you can tell. I get the paper back and along with a short comment about my topic my teacher wrote "Good paper. I can tell you put a lot of work into it." Oh can you Hee-jin? Sometimes I love this school.

I'm so fucking excited right now. SO MOTHERFUCKING EXCITED. I hope I'm either throwing up at this time tomorrow night or in an alcohol induced coma. Either one would really be fine with me.

My sister's away message right now as of 3:37 am: writing papers - asia takes it up the ass. Apparently the feelings about Asia run in the family. This, along with the discovery that we both hate kids who act in commericials (a lot) makes me feel that we were really meant to be sisters. I can't wait to be your beer bitch this summer and I bet you can't wait either because you won't have to give beejers to the homeless guys anymore. Unless you enjoy that, then by all means keep on keeping on, lady.

It was about 85 goddamn degrees today. Where did spring go? Did I fall asleep and miss it? It went from 30 degrees right to 80. I live in Illinios so I expect four seasons, not two, bitch.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I Advocate The Usage Of Butter For Lube

Tonight is my last "school night" of the year. Tomorrow around 3:00 pm I will be done learning about India, Russia, China, anthropology and modern European women FOREVER. Thank god. I don't think I've ever hated five classes so much in my life. Since I go home on Friday, every single day is a milestone that I feel the need to tell everyone about.
"This is my last Saturday to get drunk here."
"This is the last time I'll wake up here on a Sunday."
"This is the last time I'll watch Desperate Housewives here."
"This is the last time I'll finish off a gallon of milk and throw it away here."
I don't think it's really hit me yet that I'm going home for the summer on Friday. The fact that my 21st birthday is on Thursday is something that I am fully aware of, but leaving the next day is something I don't want to think about. Of course I'll be here over the summer a lot because Emily and Carly are staying here, but I'm still sad about it. Emily and I are fine now, I finally stopped acting like a bitch, so now I'm going to miss her like a banshee.

Last night I had two huge tests to study for and a three page paper to write. Needless to say, I was a little bit crabby and overwhelmed. I started to get angry as I was writing my paper, because of how DARE this school screw me over with this awful final exam schedule. Basically whenever I write a paper I get mad and to get out my anger I name my paper something that expresses just how fucking angry I am that I'm sitting here writing a 6 page paper when I have much better things to do with my time, like lay on the couch eating swiss cheese watching Roseanne reruns (how's that for a runon sentence?). The one I wrote yesterday I named "Modern European Women are douche bags." I didn't realize how often I did this until I saw all the other documents names - "I hate India" "China blows" "Russians are pussies" and the most angry of all, "stupid journals." Can you feel my bitterness that caused me to use the harshest word possible, "stupid" to describe those goddamn journals? Yes, it does make me feel a little bit better knowing I'm writing a paper I named "Russians are pussies", I won't deny it. I am very lame and easily amused.

My mom sent me a finals week care package last week and in it was a bunch of food, including a few Laffy Taffy's. On each one there are two jokes that some little kid writes, and on the one I got is a joke that doesn't even qualify as a joke. Since I've told everyone and their mother this joke so far, I have to share it with everyone here.

Why don't cats have any money?
Because they don't have any pockets.


Does anyone get this? I told my friend Nick and he was like "WAIT DON'T TELL has something to do with purr-se or paws or something." No, there is no pun in there. Because they don't have pockets? What the fuck does that mean? This joke made me unnessecarily angry. Why did this kids parents allow him to send in this joke? And how did Laffy Taffy people approve it? Is there something I'm missing? I'm going to hunt down Robert M. Fulton from Missouri and slap him around for a little bit for making me read this joke and for my heart rate go through the roof because of my anger. All I want to know is, who's coming with me?

Things I learned over the weekend:
1. People don't like it when you and your friend Mike tell them you fucked their mom and dad. And they liked it. Confrontations ensue.
2. My friend Chris is the best ever. He bought me beer, cigarettes and nachos. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is.
3. I oversleep for important lunch dates with Emily if she's not here to wake me up.
4. Encouraging people to take shots of the salsa is not a good idea because then they make you take one too. Your mouth burns for an hour just because you didn't want to look like a pussy.
5. Seeing someone trying to steal a cigarette from your purse and calling them out on it IS THE BEST EVER.

I turn 21 in 1 day, 21 hours and 59 minutes. Holy shit, can you handle it bitches?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Top Three

Stupidest Things I Ever Asked My Dad When I was Little:
1. Have you ever gotten shot?
2. Have you ever seen an airplane land in the middle of the road when you were driving?
3. When you were born, was electricity invented yet?

Things I ALWAYS Do At My Own Apartment But Never At Home:
1. Put a new toilet paper roll out.
2. Start and empty the dishwasher without being asked.
3. Wake up on my own without leaving a note for someone to make sure I get up on time.

People and Places I Owe Money To:
1. The library - 30 fucking dollars.
2. My mom - $80 for my phone bill.
3. My brother - he so kindly lent me $20 on Saturday. It's gone already.

Things I Hate Right Now:
1. Mother Nature - I thought April showers were supposed to bring May flowers, not May 30 degree days. I brought my winter coats home a month ago, bitch.
2. Myself for not doing homework tonight so that I don't have to do it tomorrow.
3. Not having any food in the fridge.

Things I Have To Get Off My Chest:
1. Please everyone, stop telling me "You'll get sick of the bars soon anyways." You have no idea how much this annoys me. Just because you've been 21 for six fucking years (coughjaycough), and are an old man, don't rain on my goddamn parade. I am still young and fertile, with many years of bar-good-times ahead of me. So next time you want to tell me I'll get sick of the bars, just shut the fuck up instead.
2. When I am in my room laying down watching tv with the door closed, this obviously means I do not want you to come in and watch tv with me. If the door is closed, I am most likely crabby, which is about 75 % of the time. I thought this was an unspoken understanding. Apparently not.
3. When you know that I am completely broke and do not have a dime to my name, please do not ask me to go to Wendy's with you. Go to Wendy's if you want, I don't care at all, just don't ask me when you know I have zero dollars. And most importantly, do not come home and then eat it in front of me. People can be so cruel.

Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. Being done with school. At least until I start summer school in June. They can't make you write papers in math class.
2. Going to the bars every single night with my friends back at home.
3. Working and spending money as fast as I can earn it.

Things I Am Not Looking Forward To:
1. Having three finals next Monday.
2. Moving back home for the summer.
3. Working and spending money as fast as I can earn it.

Favorite Songs Of The Moment:
1. The live version of Drive-In Saturday by David Bowie. Thanks Bill.
2. Make War - Bright Eyes. Thanks Gabe.
3. I am the Sun, I am the Air by Morrissey.

Highlights Of The Weekend:
1. Making Carly dance with the guy who was wearing shorts at the frat party we went to. (It was free beer, get off my back about it)
2. Seeing everyone from the Habitat trip on Saturday and getting drunk with them again.
3. Not starting my research paper until 12:30 am last night. As you can tell, I always learn from my mistakes.

Favorite Memories of Florida That I Reminisced About On Saturday:
1. Natalia knocking on our door Friday morning at an ungodly hour (11:30), knowing that it was our only day to sleep in and that I planned on staying in bed until 4:00 pm. My hair literally looked like a rats nest and I had eyeliner smeared everywhere. I open the door and recoil at the bright sunlinght while Nati jumps back in horror and asks "Sorry white girl, were you still sleeping?" I reply,"You can come in, but I'm going back to bed." She told me she still has nightmares about what I looked like when I opened the door.
2. Going to the bar on St. Patty's Day and telling everyone that me, Emily and Anthony were triplets from Arkansas. Wasn't it obvious from our accents?
3. On the way home from dinner one night, Max, the Kazakstan-native-who sounds-like-he-has-a-lisp-and-its-the-most-precious-thing-ever singing Holidae Inn. "Where you at? I'm at the Holidae Inn, I already told you. Why do you keep asking me? It's the stupidest song ever."

I'm positive you had to be there for all of these to be funny, so why did I type them out anyways? Because I wanted to, that's why, bitches.