Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Keri and I have been working on getting our Irish citizenship, and when my dad found out he could get an Irish passport because his parents were born in Ireland, he decided to be a copycat and get his too. We all need my grandparents birth, death and marriage certificates in order to get it, and we (ok, mainly Keri) has been emailing and calling all of our relatives to see if anyone had any of them. My dad is the oldest out of 6 kids, so one would think he would have gotten all that stuff after my grandma died in 2001, but my dad can't even remember his own kid's birthdays, so we didn't think anyone would trust him with that stuff. Today I get a text message from him saying : "Hello girls, I'm sitting here filling out my passport application and I found Nana and Papa's birth certificates. - Dad." WE HAVE BEEN ASKING HIM FOR THOSE SINCE JANUARY.

I call him after bowling class (I bowled a 111 too, maybe the angriness helped) and basically say "WHAT THE FUCK DAD." He says, "Well I got this box of stuff after your grandma died, and there was this envelope. I opened it, and it had both of their birth certificates." Goddamnit Dad. You didn't think to look in this box BEFORE when we were asking about the certificates? Sure when you need something you do some digging, but not for your own FLESH AND BLOOD.

Monday, March 27, 2006

I Bargained For Salvation And They Gave Me A Lethal Dose

My mom tore an article out of some magazine, probably Good Housekeeping or O Magazine or something equally good, and in it there was 10 questions to answer to narrow your field down to chose a career. A few of them were:
1. What newspaper or magazine articles to you most love to read? celebrity gossip
2. What internet sites do you mort often gravitate to? Look at your bookmarks. What stands out?,, I HAVE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHEN KATIE HAS TOM'S BABY
3. If you watch a game show, which categories do you hope the contestant will pick? something pop culture or Bob Dylan. Or the Bible (catholic schooling was good for something)
4. If you could write a book, what would the subject be? Bob Dylan. Or Paris and Nicole: What REALLY Happened

I am destined to be either a celebrity gossiper or a Bob Dylan historian. I don't think I needed a Bachelor of Arts to tell me that. If I had had to decide my career when I was 15, those would have been my answers too. Page Six, if you read this, give me a call. I can make assumptions about people I don't know like the best of 'em.

So that test I took three weeks over, hungover? I got a 69% on it. Failing yes, but only ONE POINT away from failing. Hells yeah. I thought I had totally bombed it, and I did, but not nearly as bad as I thought I had. And on top of that, I only missed two classes last week. In my book two is practically none at all, so I've pretty thoroughly convinced myself that I missed no classes at all. I still haven't been to anthropology since February 23rd, but so help me god, I'm going this week. Probably not on Thursday, let's not get carried away, but at LEAST on Tuesday.

Rereading these lyrics made me realize again why I love Bob Dylan so goddamn much. Why are you skipping over Chicago on your latest tour Bob? Is it because it's been over a year since I've seen you last? I've been distant for the past few months, I know, but I've changed my ways. Please reconsider.

I never really wrote anything about Spring Break, except for Russian Night, but if I had to sum it up in four words, it would be "jesus I drank alot." Seven out of nine nights were spent adding to my beer belly, and it was worth it. Other than that I worked, watched tv when I wasn't working and and spent a lot of time listening to shitty cover bands. Except for the drummer: the drummer was cute because he sang and played guitar to two Irish songs. Plus he had on a newsboy hat. Goddamnit I love guys who wear those hats.

I leave you with the conversation I had with my best friend Megan last Saturday:

Me: I feel old as shit right now.
Megan: No anal sex for you tonight.
Me: WOAH. What the hell do you think I just said?
Megan: Didn't you just say it hurt to shit?
Me: Or that I feel old as shit.
Megan: Ohhh.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Russian Night: A Resounding Success

Vladdie, Emil, Papa Stalin and I singing our hearts out. I have no idea what song it was, but it most definitley was not Ted Nugent. I think Emil's still mad at you for not having Cat Scratch Fever on your Ipod, V-Money. You are being shipped to Sibera (which is not a country, ask me, I know this stuff) Friday.

Vladimir and Boris's face after someone said the word "democracy". Long live Papa Stalin. (Must give props to Keri for that caption, she wrote it first and I don't want to hear any bitchings about it.)

Thriller came on thanks to DJ Keri's Pix and Vladdie and I got a little excited.

What, you've never seen vodka in a bottle before? Maybe you should look around the liquor store more carefully next time, ye commie bastard.

8:30 pm - My mom is "tired and wants to go to bed." Says will stay up til 11.
11:00 - My dad is on his way home, ok fine, I'll stay up.
12:00 - Dad comes home.
3:30 am - Rasputin finally goes to bed after 3 hours of dancing AND EVEN HAVING A MILLER LITE. And copping feels on my ass. Sick, you're my mom.

Overall, Russian Night: Eh, I guess I had a good time. As my dad's friend Emil said, "This would never happen at my house." You're goddamn right it wouldn't because we O'D's are fucking awesome. Yeah, so maybe Keri and I stayed home on a Friday night to drink with our parents, make t-shirts with the slogan "Commies, Fur Hats and Vodka" on them, and have a three hour dance party, voluntarily at that, but don't knock it til you've tried it. Long live the motherland.

Monday, March 20, 2006


The next time I have the following conversation:

"What are you getting your degree in?"
"So you want to be a teacher?"
"No, I don't want to teach."
"Oh. So what do you want to do then?"

I will fucking assassinate someone.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Probably The Best Email I've Ever Recived

I talked to my mom yesterday, and as I was hanging up with her, she said she was about to go online now. She's basically a computer nerd ever since she got her email address about two months ago. I sent her a quick email after we hung up because I knew she'd be excited to see she had a new one. This is the email I sent her: (Me and Keri are drinking tonight and decided we needed a theme. Russian Night is what she came up with, therefore we've been calling my mom "Rasputin" for the past few days. Makes sense, I know.)

Just thought I'd sent you an email, since you're a computer nerd now, even though I just talked to you. Get excited for Russian Night tomorrow! Love you!


This was the reply I got about an hour later, when I checked my email at work:

Hey Natsey,



P.S.I finally figured out how to turn the caps off - didn't want you to think I was yelling my fool head off at you. Rupsey

The thought of her typing this (Keri said it took her about 20 minutes) and accidently hitting the caps lock, not knowing how she did it and trying to figure out how to turn it off is hysterical for me to imagine. Also, I love how she's taken to calling me "Natsey" and herself "Rupsey". I can just hear her saying "How come I have to be the dirty old man!" too. Who else do you want to be, Boris Yeltsin? This is probably funny to no one, since you don't know my mom, but good lord. It's shit like this that makes me love my mom. That and the fact she been feeding me for the past 21 years.

Have a good Spring Break bitches.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Final 48

Things I Have To Do Before 2:00 pm Friday, When Spring Break Can Officially Start:
1. work from 9-11 am
2. go to class (FOR REAL) from 11-3:15pm
3. go back to work from 5-10pm
4. write a 6 page midterm on the Irish famine
5. go to class from 11-1pm Friday
6. pack all my shit
7. burn the albums I'm obsessed with
8. hope the Hot Spot still has Buy 1 Get One Free Parliament Lights

Ok, maybe it doesn't seem so bad now thatI typed it out, but goddamn, why didn't I do 4, 6, 7 or 8 today? Maybe because going to Wal-Mart, making brownies, watching some educational tv (American Idol, Law & Order and Conan) and talking online with Keri for 5 hours was more important, ok? Yeah, I got my priorities right here.

Post 2:00 pm Friday:
1. go to Baker's Square with Keri and Mom, where we will gang up on her, making her realize how much she really doesn't miss us at all
2. commence Russian Night with my fellow Commie bastard, Vladimir
3. learn how to draw a hammer and sickle
4. Get up at 9 am Sunday have a Guinness while getting ready for the parade
5. go to the parade and drink for 12 hours
6. work a few hours here and there at thee UPS Store
7. celebrate St. Patrick's Day again on Friday at Bourbon Street
8. work on getting my Grandpa's birth certificate (I know! We're party animals!)
9. freak out because this is my last college break of any type
10. lay it on thick that I want an IPod or digital camera for my birthday/graduation. Or both, I'm not picky
11. sleep on a bed that doesn't hurt my back. Hurrah!
12. call J.P 94 million times on Friday night and Sunday afternoon. Have fun in Ohio, bitch. I mean, we'll miss you!
13. listen to my mom ask me 400 times if I've looked into "getting an internship." I did, they just haven't called me back. I know, it's weird. Yeah, I'll call them again. I know it's important. I wouldn't want to compromise my future either. I don't know, am I kidding about working at McDonalds? Love you too Mom.

Post 2:00 pm Friday wins. Can't wait, bitches.

Monday, March 06, 2006

...And That Was The Last Time I Ever Asked My Brother For A Title

On Thursday I met a 44 year old gay computer science professor that teaches here at Northern, at the bar. Forty-four year old gay computer science teachers buy you JaegerBombs and for that reason, they are my favorite. Then I found out he spelled his name Geoffrey. If there was one variation of a spelling of a name I hate the most, I mean if I HAD to choose, it would be Geoffrey instead of Jeffrey. It's pronounced "Ge-off", not Jeff, and that's why your name sucks ass.

Somehow on Saturday night I pulled a back muscle or some shit, and I look like a goddamn idiot trying to do anything. Is this what it's like to be old? Because I'm 21. Not 85. Twenty-one. I shouldn't be pulling back muscles yet. I never realize how much I drop things until bending over to pick them up becomes a 5 minute process. Getting ready for work took me 20 minute when it usually only takes me about 8. Yesterday it was pretty nice out, so I figured I'd be able to wear flip-flops again and save myself the ordeal of putting on socks and shoes. I pull back the curtains to discover 2 inches of snow on the ground. I know what you're all thinking, "Could her life possibly get any worse?" THEN, if you can believe this, Jennifer Gardner trips at the Oscars BUT DOESN'T FALL. IF I get pleasure out of nothing else, it's seeing people fall. Thank you Jennifer, for giving my bad day a chance to redeem itself and failing miserably.

Since graduation is getting so close, I have a couple of last things I need to do before getting out of here. One was to take a test hungover. I have no idea what the rest of them are, but mission accomplished on that one Friday. It totally helped that I hadn't studied at all and needed to throw up for the last 10 minutes I was there. On the bright side though, at least I woke up to take it at all. The glass is always half full for me.

I go home for Spring Break this Friday and I'm overly excited about it. I haven't been home since coming back here for the semester around January 14th and can't wait to see my parents, Keri and my other friends who still live at home (that'll be me come May 13th! Yay!). Friday night is Russian Night with Stalin, Vladimir and Rasputin, also known around here as Dad, Keri and Mom and Sunday is the Southside Irish Parade. WHICH I AM LEGAL FOR THIS YEAR. Being 21 will never get old to me. Except when I actually do get old. But that's still like 4 years away. So um, those are my only plans, but still they are plans and they are goddamn good plans.

Thanks for the great advice on my never ending bladder. It's too bad I don't have a prostate (so what if I had to ask Keri to make sure girls don't have prostates? SO WHAT?), is no chance I'm pregnant, the moon didn't move all night (really!), I don't have an extra hole (that I'm aware of)and I'm pretty sure having 4 beers isn't worthy of a comparison to a fish, or else I'd have my question answered! I always go pee a lot when I drink beer, coffee or tea. For me 1 drink equals 3 pees. I mean it's just simple math when you get down to it. And I will stop talking about my bathroom habits right now.

I always think I have nothing to write about, and then I come up with such great, mind-blowing, earth shattering topics. My goal here is to really make everybody think. How I manage to do it I'll never understand.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Tonight I had 4 beers and have gone pee about 12 times since those beers. Why do I have a bladder like an 85 year old woman?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Hodge Podge

I Love
...Dove soap.
...that Conan O'Brien is finally back after two weeks. excited I am about the fact that it might be close to 50 degrees tomorrow.
...taking 3 hour naps.

I Hate
...being too lazy to go to my Anthropology class to find out what I got on my test last Tuesday.
...not having any food to qualm my insatiable hunger.
...staying in on Tuesday nights and not taking advantage of 50 cent drafts.

I'm Terrified
...about graduating on May 13th (the day after my 22nd birthday, if you're taking notes).
...of the drains in swimming pools.
...I'm going to oversleep every Tuesday and Thursday when I have work at 9 am.

I'm Excited
...about the Southside Irish Parade on March 12th. get paid tomorrow.
...about wearing flip-flops to class tomorrow.
...the kids outside the liquor store asked me to buy beer for them Saturday. Can this blog be used against me in court? I mean, I'm just kidding anyways.

Don't be Jealous
...Ashlee Simpson is playing a concert here at NIU March 29th.
...I saw an awesome 80's cover band this past Saturday.
...I only have one midterm next week and it's take-home, motherfuckers.

I'm Mad
...I have to miss The Office every single fucking Thursday because of work.
...I never took advantage of seeing Munich, Good Night and Good Luck, Syriana and Harry Potter at the cheap Campus Cinema. brother won't skip coming home for Easter to see the Strokes with me in Cleveland.

I Can't Stop Listening To
...Bloc Party's album Silent Alarm.
...The Frame's live album Set List.
...The Stroke's First Impressions of Earth.

I'm Pathetic
...because I didn't get drunk on Fat Tuesday.
...for lying to my mom about paying half of my library fine.
...for worrying that a cup of tea is going to keep me up all night, like I got to bed early anways.

I Promise suck it up and stop whining about graduating college. I hope you all know I'm crossing my fingers, so this promise means nothing. actually follow through with mine and Keri's plan to move to Ireland. go to at least 7 of my 9 remaining classes this week. stop typing. Now.