Monday, August 29, 2005

What Happens on Central Park, Stays On Central Park

Echo and the Bunnymen. ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN. Christ on a cracker. How the fuck did they come up with that name for their band? I would have loved to overheard that conversation. (I would have also loved to be there for the "Let's call ourselves the String Cheese Incident! It's perfect!" conversation). I was always aware that this band existed, but it wasn't until today that I downloaded "Ocean Rain" (thank you Q101) and "Nothing Ever Lasts Forever" (thank you Donnie Darko) by them and became obsessed. So I only have 3 more of their songs as of right now, get off my back about it, they can still be my favorite band, ok? God are you bitchy.

My parents are on vacation right now, tearing up the entire East Coast for two weeks in our huge ass van. Basically they slowed the van down, shoved my brother out in Akron and took off. I doubt either of them are experiencing "empty nest" syndrome. It's more like "when-are-the-kids-going-to-leave-us-alone-so-we-can-move-to-Michigan" syndrome. I think both of them are coping as best they can. While on the phone with my Mom today, I asked if she had heard about that crazy ass bitch Katrina.

"So you guys hear about Hurricane Katrina?"
"Yeah, we have seen it on tv. *gibberish about the hurricane affecting the Ohio River Valley* so they think we might get some rain here in Vermont."
"I'm sure Vermont is everyone else's priority too. Screw you New Orleans. I hope you can handle the rain."

I'm pretty sure she made that up (she's a complusive liar. she's also told me "smoking is bad for you"), but regardless, pull your head out of your ass Pammy.

My sister is home by herself while my parents are gone, and all her friends are back at school so I spent the weekend at home with her because she's stuck at home with the dog. Saturday was our block party which basically turned into a drunken walk down memory lane with a couple of our neighbors with awesome music such as the Venga Boys, Ricky Martin and "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" (TWICE) serving as our backdrop. The handle of Captain Morgan was a nice touch too. The night may have ended on a "holy shit, I'm a dumbass note" but nonetheless it was a good time. We should drink together more often, Hobo.

Thursday night I found out that my friend Courtney likes to get drunk and bite people. Hard. Painfully hard. She bit me so hard on my shoulder that while I was at the hospital with Emily after she stepped on a piece of glass at the bar (the night included an ambulance ride and 6 stiches), the nurse stared at my shoulder and said "Are those bite marks? I can see a teeth imprint." It's really easily to explain to a nurse how your friend just likes to bite you when she's drunk, what's wrong with that? Not awkward at all, swear. Courtney also left her mark on my arm and boob. I think I'm going to buy her a muzzle. That or just punch her in the face next time she tries that shit again.

Times I used paranthesis in this post: 7
Hours spent watching CNN today: 14
Andes Mints consumed in past hour: 103
Times Keri and I "were going to make out shirts for Ireland" over the weekend: 3
Diet Pepsis consumed in 48 hours (collectively): 24
Precious bonding time spent with my soon-to-be-Ireland-bound sister: the whole weekend, bitches.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Smile In Slow Motion

People were being drunk and rowdy outside my apartment 2 hours ago and one guy was almost falling over while his friend was trying to quiet him down. He finally just laid down in the grass and I overheard this conversation:

"I just want to go to sleep in the apartment.....on the the apartment complex...I just want to sleep."
"Dude, you can go to sleep, you just gotta be quiet for 5 minutes first. People have 8 am classes tomorrow."
"I just want to go to sleep....but I don't want to get raped by an 18 year old named Vince."
"I promise I won't let anyone rape you tonight."

Now is that a friend, or is that a friend.

It's a school night! Tonight will be the only night that I will actually be excited about going to class the next morning. Right now there are so many exciting possibilities. Will there be cute guys in my class? Will I find out that I have zero papers to write? Will I meet my new best friend this year? How many hours of sleep will I get in my Poli Sci class? How many classes can I skip and still pass? How easy will it be to fake that I read the required readings for each day? How much of a douche will my professor be? I can hardly contain myself thinking about all these questions! How will I ever sleep tonight.

I really have to get a job this year. No, really I do. DON'T DOUBT ME. I got accepted for the work study program, so you would think that meant that I would automatically have a job with the school. Oh how wrong you are. It seems that this school is a bitch and a half to find a job at. Not only will I have to get a job with the school, I'll also have to get a waitiressing job or something to save up for Ireland. Right now I have my last paycheck from the UPS Store to hold me over, and I'm really hoping I can stretch that until at least October, which is doubtful. So really this whole paragraph is just complaining, but Tuesday I have to go on the jobhunt. No matter how much a reality tv show on VH1 may be calling my name, I must resist.

My mom bought me a 5 pound container of cookie dough at Sam's Club. I'd say me and Emily polished off at least a good pound of it this weekend. Why did I never think of heating it up in the microwave and then eating it? Oh my lord is it delicious. Jesus Christ I'm fat.

Keri's 20th birthday was two days ago, on August 20th. Only one more year until you can join me at AA meetings. We go to Keegan's afterwards and it's always a fun time. I really hope you got that golden shower you wanted so badly.

I finally decided what I'm going to do for my senior thesis paper. College protests during the Vietnam War. If any of you were alive back then and participated in one, please write this paper for me. It would be greatly appreciated. Just 25 pages, no biggie. I'll even dedicate it to you. Don't pass up this offer, bitches.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Passive Manipulation

1. Tuesday I was downtown in Border's, looking at the music selection. A sales person asked if I needed help, but I said I was just looking. He saw me looking at The Talking Heads, Dave Brubeck, Bob Dylan and some other random cds. Five minutes later he walked by me and said, "You have really good taste in music." That was probably the best compliment I have ever gotten and I thank you, Mr Border's Worker. I had just told my sister that story while we were walking to the train and one of the talented homeless saxophone players started playing one of Dave Brubeck's songs from "Time Out." Coincidence? I think not.

2. I've come to realize that any guy who talks to me in the bars will be at least 30 years old. I don't want some guy who's settled in life and is actually successful. I want a drunk 22 year old. Now we're talkin'.

3. Keri and I are getting matching sister tattoo's, a small flame on our foot. Three reasons why: a reference to Jeff Buckley's line in Grace, "Wait in the fire", because we're fireman's daughters and because we're motherfucking hot, bitches. Please realize the sarcasm of the last part of that sentence.

4. I'm going back to school on Thursday and I'm actually kind of sad about it yet I can't wait at the same time. My friends are taking me out Wednesday for the last hurrah of the summer, which has really been one of the best summers ever. I didn't save a goddamn penny, but shit bitch, it was worth it.

5. One Thursday, I was out with my friend Julie who is just as big a Dylan fan as I am. The guys we had just met there said something bad about Dylan, but we told him we were the wrong people to say shit about Bobby in front of. He then admitted to liking one song of Bob's, but said Dylan didn't sing it and we would never guess what it was.
"Oh, try us Frankie, just try us."
"If you get it right, which you won't, I'll buy you a round of drinks....ok, Manfred Mann covered it in-"
"Quinn the Eskimo."

6. Israel is actually telling their people to get out of the Gaza Strip. I only heard about this on Friday. Do I live in a cave? When did they make this decision and how long have I not known about it? I read the paper every day and felt really stupid not knowing about it until a few days ago. You'd think there would have been a breaking news interuption in my normally scheduled programming or something when it was decided. Or maybe there was and I was just sleeping. Either way, it's about time Israel that you give back some land that you stole. Hopefully this will bring some peace to that area, even if it is only short lived. I just hope the withdrawl is goes smoothly.

7. While I was babysitting my cousins today, I lost my lipgloss and was rummaging their house looking for it. I then discovered that I had not lost the lipgloss, their fucking dog had EATEN it. All that was left was the chewed up cap. If I hadn't already hated that dog with a passion, this would have really sealed the deal. Instead it just further confirmed that when I have kids they will never ever have a dog. Not only will they not have a dog, they won't have a cat, hamster, snake, turtle or even a goddamn fish. Why I'm taking my anger out on my future children I have no idea, but holy fuck do I hate dogs.

8. I got my grade for the math class I took this summer and I got a B in it. I GOT A B IN A MATH CLASS. Praise the lord. I am offcially done with math for the rest of my life. Do you have any idea how good it feels to say that? Pretty motherfucking good bitches, pretty motherfucking good.

9. Favorite song of the summer: "My Doorbell" by the White Stripes
Favorite book de la summer: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Favorite memory: Drunken dancing at Diana's block party
Favorite concert: Tom Petty or Rufio. I can't pick.
Favorite Sox game: When we beat the Red Sox, July 23rd
Thing I could have done without: Getting so drunk the last Tuesday that I puked in the driveway, thinking it was the grass. I mean, no Mom, I didn't puke....maybe it was the dog. God am I classy.

10. They are talking about a law that might be passed in Chicago that would ban smoking in all restaurants and bars. I wouldn't mind if they banned it in restaurants, but bars? Are you kidding me? I really hope this law doesn't pass because that would blow ass if I couldn't smoke in bars. Of course I shouldn't be smoking anyways, and I'm sure it bothers people who don't smoke, but you're in a BAR for chrissake. People need to quit being pussies and realize that people like to smoke and drink. If you don't like it, grow some balls. I should be "quitting when I graduate" anyways, at least that's what I tell my mom to make her feel better, so I guess it wouldn't affect me for long, but I still think it's lame. I'll just cross my fingers and hope it doesn't pass. You best all do the same, bitches.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Whooooooo Arrrrrrrrrrrrre Yooooooooou?

- Keri went to Baker's Square on Thursday and while she was there saw a girl, Lisa, who I went to grammar school and high school with. Lisa mistook Keri for me, and Keri, who didn't bother to correct her, had a five minute conversation with her, never realizing she was talking to my younger sister and not me.

- While drinking at Keri's friends house last night, a guy asked if me and Keri were twins. We told him we were, because we think it's funny to go with it when people ask us that, especially drunk people. He then asked us,
"Are you nocturnal or fraternal?"
Nocturnal, bitch. We only come out at night.

- At my cousin's graduation party earlier today, my cousin Maeve's cousin pulled her aside (they're both around 8 years old) and whispered "Are they twins?" pointing at me and Keri.

-At Diana's block party last Saturday, one of her aunt's asked us the twin question. We said no, we're 15 months apart. Her aunt then starts yelling, "MOM, COME HERE AND LOOK AT THESE GIRLS. Don't they look just like twins?" We had two grandma's and two aunts looking at us, pointing out our similarities and differences. Not uncomfortable at all.

-Senior year of high school I was out for coffee with my friend, and this girl comes up to me, squeals "HI!" and gives me a big hug. Had I ever seen this girl before in my life? No I had not. I'm sure you're surprised to find out she thought I was Keri.

- I wrote about this before, but the two times Keri and I have been on the El train on our way to see a Rufus Wainwright concert random people have asked us if we're twins. One time it was a guy yelling across the train asking if we were "Two minutes or 30 seconds apart" and the other time this lady just stared at us pointing out our similarities and differences again. I love strangers staring at me.

These aren't the only times this has happened by any means, but its starting to get really weird. I don't think we look a like at all, but obviosuly I must be missing something if people I've known since I was 5 can have conversations with Keri not realizing its her and not me. It baffles my mom too because she can't see it at all either. I'm sure it's because shes our mom and has seen us our entire lives, but obviously we're missing something if we don't see the similarities. It seems to be happening more than ever recently though, three times alone this past weekend. Do any of you guys have brothers or sisters that you get mistaken for on a regular basis? It doesn't even have to be a sibling, it could be someone famous, or even a friend. I got told the other day I looked like Brooke Shields. My friends all know what I hate Brooke Shields with a passion simply because of her eyebrows. They're horrible and I can't stand them. The one time I get compared to a celebrity and it has to be fucking Brooke Shields. Goddamnit.

I just read that Peter Jennings died from lung cancer. He was just diagnosed in April. I loved Peter Jennings. After September 11th I was addicted to watching him and developed an old man crush on him. RIP Peter.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

When You Gonna Ring it?

I don't know if I've ever shared this with anyone, but I am a Harry Potter-phile. Not nearly as much so as my sister, but I love the books with a passion. In case you live in cave, the 6th one came out two weeks ago and I just finished it on Friday. I cried for a good 30 minutes at the ending. Even thinking about what had happened was making me cry two hours after I was done reading it. I love that goddamn wizard. I'm not even going to make fun of myself saying that I'm a pussy because I dare any of you to read those books and NOT cry at the ending. If you don't, you are a cold, cold person.

I've been to three Sox games in the past 2 weeks and they lost 2 out of the 3. What the fuck. They did win against Boston though which was sweetass considering how many fucking Boston fans were in the crowd. Any other time I would have been cheering Johnny Damon on too, but not when he's playing my team. We're (I'm on the team) THISCLOSE to making the playoffs. Jealous? I'm going to the game tomorrow with the family and then on Friday with a local bar because it's Elvis Impersonation Night. And free beer. Can't beat that.

I have a swollen lymph node on the left side of my neck. I get this every so often, the first two times making me sick as a goddamn dog, not being able to eat for 5 or 6 days. I looked it up on the internet (I believe everything I read) and have been asking people what it means, and everything and everyone just says that I need to slow down or get more sleep. I chose to believe that it's a tumor that pops up periodically, which is really reassuring. I've never been a hypochondriac, mainly because I've never had anything bad happen to me (aside from the aformentioned times) but this is starting to freak me out. When I tell my mom, her solution is to "have some vitamins." I forgot how calcium tablets have the ability to SHRINK TUMORS. I need new parents.

Pete Townshend wrote the song "Substitute" because he loved the way Smokey Robinson said the word substitute in the line "he might be cute, but he's just a substitute" on the song "Tracks of my Tears." For some reason I love that little story probably because Substitute is my favorite Who song and I love Smokey. Just an FYI for you all. Pass it on.

Summer is coming to an end, but I think I made the most out of it so far. I've been swimming, gone to baseball games, seen fireworks, gotten drunk more often than I should have, spent too much money, enjoyed the hottest summer we've had since before I was born, got a new ghetto phone, renewed my licsense and ensured that I had a picture where the left side of my face looks paralyzed (you know, the stroke victim look), seen Tom Petty and Buddy Guy, will be seeing Rufus Wainwright August 10th, worn my sister's green skirt more times than I care to count, visited EmJo and Carly, kinda-sorta understood and passed a math class, driven my mom crazy and gone out to eat at Chili's 400 times because Keri is obsessed with that place. I always thought that the summer I turned 21 would be awesome and it turns out I was right. I still have 18 more days to enjoy it, and I am going to live it up bitches. I am really excited to go back to school, but the closer that creeps up the more I have to think about it being my last year and I want that fact to be a thought in the way back of my mind for as long as possible. Please don't pop my bubble.

I wanted to blog because it had been awhile, but I'm not "feeling" it tonight, so I apologize for this being really boring and douche baggish. But you know it's just my style so you're all probably used to it anyways. I think my blogging spirit lives in DeKalb and not Chicago. I also think that was the lamest sentence I've ever written. Happy August, bitches.