Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hey Al, You Ever Had Your Salad Tossed?

Seriously, I could not have asked for a better Bears to have gone to. I said I was going to pee my pants if Hester returned a kick and then I had to do it TWICE. Thanks Devin. And in the same quarter at that? Made things a little bit chillier for me. There was a Bears win in overtime, another fourth quarter comeback and Hester returning two kicks, but on top of all that, I got a free Bears scarf! For being pretty! Or just because I walked into the stadium! But still! Could my life get any better? I submit that it cannot. Well then it got worse because Will turned into a complete fucking asshole to end the night because he can never leave well enough alone, but I'm not letting anything spoil me having seen the best football game ever. Our seats were pretty high up and I had a small-to-medium heart attack the first time I walked up those steps to row 24, but I don't think you could possibly have a bad seat at Soldier Field. Awesome, awesome AWESOME fucking game. Will may be the biggest fuck-up I've ever met, but at least he took me to the game, thanks bitch. And thank YOU, Devin Hester. And thank you, old-ass lady who gave her old-ass boyfriend an old-ass blowjob in the row right in front of me. The game wouldn't have been the same without you.

Just in case you aren't aware of how awesome Devin Hester, aka the Windy City Flyer, is, watch this clip on YouTube of him returning a kick in college against Duke. Not safe for work. Will cause instant boner.

So I went to California and came home last Monday. Watch for me to be on the Price is Right on December 11th - the lady in the row behind us got called up and won 10 grand so we're thinking we might be on for a second when the camera was on her in the seats. What a shitty looking studio though. I don't think they've updated anything in there since Bob Barker started. Drew Carey was funny though, in between commercial breaks. And then we did all that other jazz, Gruman's Theatre, tried an In-N-Out burger, the Kodak Theatre and the Hollywood Wax Museum which I thought was would be lame but ended up being a blast. Anytime I can stroke Jesus's beard and cup Angelina's boobs has to be a good time. We also went to the Griffith Observatory which was cool, seeing the Hollywood sign and stuff, ate at the Saddle Ranch where Bret Michaels took Heather and her family out to eat (I know! You hate me you're so jealous!), bought a pair of huge-ass Nicole Ritchie-esque sunglasses (my sole reason for going out there), went to San Diego for a night, won $14.25 playing Bonus Poker at a casino (I cashed that bitch out), went swimming in a heated pool at her aunts while our friends waited for snow flurries back here in Chicago BUT DIDN'T SEE A GODDAMN CELEBRITY. Not Paris, not Britney, not Lindsay, not even fucking Tara Reid. But I did have some lady, one of Diana's cousin's friends, ask me incredulously at the bar, "You drink BEER?" I think I scared them with my Miller Lite. There's a reason for my beer belly lady - it has been well earned.

Has anyone besides me ever heard of the show Sports Action Team? I've been trying to spread the word about this show because it's hysterical and have yet to meet someone who's seen it. They show it around 11:45 or midnight on NBC on Sundays, depending on when the Sunday night game ends. It's a documentary/improv type show a la The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm about a group of sports reporters who are all terrible at their jobs. It's only on during the football season I'm pretty sure, so you only have a short time left to catch it. This though, is the best clip ever. A comment someone left on that clip says it all - "Leave it to a Raider or Raiders fan to shoot someone." Actually they spelled it "r8r" but I won't subject you to that OR WILL I.

I'm not the hugest Killers fan in the entire world. By a long shot. I like Mr. Brightside and one or two others but hated their new songs, especially Read My Mind. A song that makes me love them though is their cover of Joy Division's Shadowplay they did for the Ian Curtis biopic Control. Listen to it, love it and thank me later.

Ever since I saw the TLC reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I realized I have seen my future. I hope to god I don't have sextuplets, but I'm pretty sure if I ever get married that's what my relationship with my husband will be like. God I love that show. And Run's House on MTV - Russy is the funniest unintentional kid ever. Really, I do have a life I SWEAR. I can't help it if I saw a Jon & Kate marathon two weeks ago and then two hours of Run's House last week. I gotta have something to keep me going since the fucking writer's strike is still going on. WORK IT OUT ALREADY, I WANT TO WATCH JON AND STEPHEN AGAIN.

Will spelled the word "ruin" as "rune". I've never wanted to punch someone in the face with such urgency before. I'm done. Done done done done DONE.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Public Service Announcement


Just wanted to share.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Bathroom, Restroom, Washroom, W.C, Porta-Potty, Take Your Pick

Some guy just came into work and asked if we "had a latrine." We're not in the fucking trenches buddy.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I Fought In The Old Revolution

Besides Angelina givng birth to Shiloh, nothing that happens in Hollywood really affects my life. Then the Writer's Guild has to be a complete fucking douche bag and go on strike. The rest of you could bitch and moan about having to watch reruns of the Daily Show, but me? I was actually planning on seeing one of those shows, Live with Jimmy Kimmel. What perfect timing assholes. Had it been any other time in my life it wouldn't affect me, but it's pretty clear that this is a direct assault on me. I have been pinpointed and I DON'T LIKE IT. Why are you singling me out of every other fannypack-American-flag-t-shirt-cowboy-hat-camera-slung-around-the-neck wearing toursit? I promise not to wear that t-shirt anymore if you LET ME SEE MY JIMMY KIMMEL.

I don't think I mentioned this yet - my sister Kerianne is finally a contributing member of society. No, she didn't start giving blowjobs for money (yet) SHE GOT A JOB. Since getting her first paycheck she has pretty much been my favorite person (after Billy Baldwin and before Thomas Jefferson) mainly because she buys beer for me! It is delightful! I love my sister having money! Way to go Kerianne - already making more money than your older, wiser, beautiful-er, more talented sister. I'm not bitter at all!

Since I discovered on Sunday while at the bar watching the Pats-Colts game that Miller Lite had peel-off labels to win a t-shirt, it has been my life goal to win one (who says I don't have determination now motherfuckers). Last night, after seeing way too many "sorry" 's I finally saw a "congratulations!" Aw hell yeah, in 4-6 weeks I will be wearing my very own XXL Miller Liller Chicago Football t-shirt. Seriously it was kind of pathetic how excited I got when I finally won one. Then Keri had to steal my thunder and win one later too. LET ME HAVE THE SPOTLIGHT FOR ONCE. Mine'll probably be prettier.

Before Halloween I had wanted to carve a pumpkin but before I could the squirrels ruined them outside, so my mom got me and Keri some free ones at the store earlier this week. I had my own little carving party Wednesday accompanied by me myself and I and carved the SHIT out of that pumpkin. I just followed some stencils we had so although they weren't free-hand carvings, the ghost and headless horseman I did still looked pretty fucking cool. (I am 23, carve pumpkins by myself and am ridiculously proud of them - guys start forming the line to the right) I come home from work yesterday and my dad says to me "Did you see your pumpkin won 1st place?" My dad, I found out later from my mom, literally went to the store with the sole intention of buying a first place ribbon. Found it. Bought it. And stuck it on my pumpkin. My dad does not do shit like this. Seriously. Ever. Nothing even remotely like this. He doesn't even know my birthday. Or my middle name, most likely. The last time he did something like this was in third grade when I did good on a math test (the good ones were few and far in between) and he bought me the Da-da cd, of "I'm Going to Disneyland" fame. God that cd ROCKED. The thought of him buying this at the store makes me smile cause aw, my dad does love me! Not like that fact was ever in question but too cute dad, too cute.

Before work Tuesday I pulled into 7-11 to get some coffee. I was close to the car on the left of me but figured I could swing the car in without having to back up because my depth perception is usually pretty off (though not as bad as Diana's. Her car is five feet long and watching her parallel park you'd think she was backing up a semi). I guess I have more faith in my depth perception that I really should because I hit the car. It was only some minor dents because I was going about a 1/2 a mile per hour but oh my god my heart started beating so fast I thought I was going to hyperventilate. A million thoughts were racing through my head WHERE'S THE INSURANCE CARD DO I EVEN HAVE INSURANCE DAD IS GOING TO KILL ME AM I HAVING A HEART ATTACK EVERYONE IN THE STORE IS STARING AT ME THEY ALL HEARD ME HIT THE CAR I THINK I'M DYING. I go in the store and ask whos SUV it is and it's some younger, but still older than me, guys car. We go outside, he sees the dent and scratches and goes "Don't worry about it." What? Are you serious? Do my ears deceive me? Hark, the herald angels sing? He wouldn't even let me buy him anything from 7-11. I was still shaking because I was so nervous, but seriously, how fucking awesome is that. The lady at the counter was like "that was really nice of you to come in and fess up to it." Who gives a shit what I did, HE is the nice one by not even caring at all. I can't wait for someone to hit me now (fingers crossed!) so I can react in the same way. But only if they're going super slow too cause if not I'll sue the shit out of them.

The Raiders are kicking to Hester tomorrow. You'll be sooooorrrryyyyyy.

Also: J.P, I don't even know if you read this, but you are an asshole for going to Eastern AND NOT EVEN COMING HOME TO VISIT US. You're dead to me.

Thursday, November 01, 2007