Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Three Non-Irish Things First:
1. I saw Walk the Line the Friday before I left, and it was not nearly as good as I expected it to be. Not that it was bad by any means, I guess I was just expecting more. It was pretty much worth the price just to be able to look at Joaquin Phoenix for about two hours though. I know this will make me sound like an old lady, but why do movies have to be so goddamn expensive? It was fucking $9.50 to see it. I remember the good ol' days when it was only $7.25. Seems like so long ago.

2. Jenn, you are a bitch of the highest order for putting that audio message thingy on your blog. Yeah yeah, I knew you were doing it, but christ. I swear to god I don't always sound like that. I hate hearing my own voice, on the phone, on home videos, anything, so hearing it on a blog wasn't especailly thrilling for me. Maybe I do always sound like that, but Irefuse to believe it. I wish I had one of those throaty sex machine voices, but I do not. I instead sound like a giant ass douche bag. Awesome.

3. Fuck yeah Chicago Bears, SEVEN GAMES IN A ROW. Longest win streak since 1986. I'm thinking Bears vs. Colts in the Superbowl when we'll finally make them lose their first game. Bring it on Peyton. I have work from 1-6pm Sunday, which blows because I'll miss the Packers game. HMT - I expect a full report.

So anyways.

I went to Ireland, the homeland of my ancestors and the home of my sister for four months. It was so fucking awesome. I didn't even freak out on the plane ride, and as a reward for that, the airplane gave me pink eye in my left eye! Thank you previous passenger of seat 41A! You made my first 4 days in Ireland a joy, and for that I will always remember you. It took me Amy and Eileen about 3 days to realize we were actually in Ireland, it just felt like we were visiting Keri at school and everyone around us just had really awesome accents. I think going to the Blarney Stone finally made us realize where we actually were. And yes, I did kiss it the Blarney Stone. I don't care if Irish men have pissed on it, I wasn't going to be a pussy about it, like some people coughkericough. We didn't do any other sightseeing beyond that, for a number of reasons. I was out of money, this trip was just about spending time with Keri, I knew I 'd be back someday anyways, I'm lazy, take your pick. I was out of money on TUESDAY. I got there on SUNDAY. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. Thank god for cash advances on mom's credit card. I don't even want to think about how much I owe her now. The trip just further proved my point about why I would never trust myself with a credit card unless I have $100 million dollars in the bank. Who needs MONEY when you have PLASTIC? And plastic is so much better! You don't pay now, you pay later! It's magical!

The University of Limerick has a pub on their campus which starts serving beer at noon. If we had that here at NIU I'm pretty sure I would never go to class. Seriously, how fucking awesome is that? We went there every night to drink and twice there somebody mistook me for Keri. The first time me and Amy were out for a smoke, when Keri's flamingly homosexual friend Padrig (sp?) yells "Keri Keri!" and when I tell him I'm Katie, I get a kiss on the hand. Yay for Irish homos. The second time Keri and I are in line for the bathroom, and this girl passes right by Keri and says to me "Hi Keri!". Once both of them realized I wasn't Keri they said "Oh, now I can tell. I was wondering why she looked so much prettier than normal." I swear.

We made a huge Thanksgiving dinner over there, and I'm still surprised none of us got sick, with the jizzy turkey leaking his jizz everywhere as he jizzily defrosted. I swear Keri's lounge is infected with salomela or something. Everything was hectic leading up to dinner, but everything came together perfectly in the end and I think I can honestly say it was one of the best Thanksgivings ever. Yeah, we did eat mashed potatoes out of a box in Ireland of all places, but shove it up your ass, THEY WERE GOOD. We played a football game earlier in the day, and even though I didn't catch the ball one fucking time, my body hurt like I had been tackled by Brian Urlacher or something. And we only played touch football at that. I think I have to start facing the fact that my body is falling apart in my old age. Or maybe I could just start working out so that I wouldn't be sore from running around for a little bit. I'll probably just stick with the former.

Two weird things about Ireland: If you want to go to the bathrooms in a mall-type-place, you have to pay. It's only 20 cents, but still, what the fuck is that all about. And secondly, if I wanted a packet of ketchup to go with my fries, it was 15 cents per packet. Christ, those Irish bastards are just trying to squeeze money out of me any way they can. But there was no tax on anything, so that kinda made up for it. I guess.

All together it was a wonderful vacation and I loved every single minute of it. Keri's roommates and friends were the nicest people in the entire world and I had a good time with all of them. Keri, you were a marvelous host, even if you didn't feed us at all. I mean I know I need to lose weight, but you didn't have to be so blunt about it. I know you're going to be sad to come home, but I'm looking forward to it like a banshee. How am I going to survive with only J.P at Christmas? Who will I drink mom and dad's liquor with? WHO KERI, WHO? Bet you didn't think of that before you signed your soul over to Ireland for semester. Thank you for allowing us to trash your room for a week straight, for laughing at me when I said "I have 10 dollars in euro" and trying your best to explain to us how to get to the Blarney Castle. Sorry I said the word "bus" 8000 times in one conversation. I WAS CONFUSED. I love you, and see you in about a month, rounding up.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Dear Sister,

I Love...
the Stables
playing football
eating e. coli turkey
my paddy cap
mom's credit card
Irish people
the roundabouts
your friends
the Kaiser Chiefs song "I Predict a Riot"
how Katie said "Oh crap!" in her American accent
your nicknames - Jizzy Peanut, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch and Uncle Jesse

I Hate...
that stupid "You're Beautiful" song Amy was obsessed with
sleeping on the floor
Eireann buses
people yelling at me everytime I said "dollars" instead of "euro"
how much my body hurt after playing football
leaving you for another month

Kerianne, thank you for letting me, Amy and Eileen invade your room for a week. I had a marvelous time with you and your friends. Now come home soon goddamnit. I'll write more about the trip later, but right now I'm tired and lazy. Did anyone ever tell you you're as gay as Christmas? BALLS. Love you!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Sisters In The Homeland

When I saw Bob Dylan for the first time on July 15th, 2000, my friend Julie and I had a countdown going from day 80. I had never been so excited about something. I even wrote on Keri's bedroom wall at home "4 more days til Dylan" because she insisted it would wash right off (she was wrong. Sorry again Dad). I had butterflies in my stomach for a week leading up to the concert. On the day of I thought I was going to burst I was so happy and excited and high and giddy and estatic and so many other things. I thought nothing would surpass the moment of me finally seeing my idol sing Like a Rolling Stone live onstage IN THE FLESH. Sure he sounded, uh, a little different than I expected but I thought I could die happy that day.

I haven't seen Keri since September 17th. We're freakishly close sisters, so not being able to see her for so long sucks ass, to put it mildly. As she put it, "this is the longest we've been apart in 20 years, and I MISS MY OTHER HALF." Is it wrong she considers me her other half and I whole heartedly agree? If it's wrong, then I don't want to be right. That's my stance on incest too, so take it or leave it. I know this trip is going to be the best week of my life and that I'll never be able to sleep on the plane unless I have pills, knowing that Keri is going to be on the other end waiting to pick us up. I'll finally be able to get my long-awaited Irish newsboy hat! I'm going to have a Guiness in a genuine Irish pub! I'll get to see the Blarney Castle, Ring of Kerry and Cliffs of Mohr! Get a tattoo in a foreign country! I'll get raped by the Euro-Dollar conversion rate! Most importantly I GET TO BE WITH MY SISTER FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK. Steal her food! Wear her clothes! Take cigarettes out of her pack with she's not looking! Tell her to do things, and make her do them before she realizes what she's doing! Convince everyone we're twins! Tell lame childhood stories and annoy everyone! IT'S GOING TO BE GLORIOUS.

Anyways, I was trying to compare the me-being-excited-for-Dylan to the me-being excited-to-see-Keri, but they don't even compare.
Dylan never got a dyke haircut: Keri has.
Dylan doesn't have "coarse, scarecrow" hair: Keri does.
Dylan didn't have to write only one goddamn paper this whole semester, and instead of doing it asked his sister if she had any papers she could plagarize: Keri has.
Dylan doesn't wear my clothes and then swear he didn't, only for me to find them on his floor: Keri does.
Dylan doesn't get speeding tickets, hide it from my parents, then lose her wallet and the ticket, and still come to visit me for the weekend, driving 65 the entire way: Keri has.
Dylan wouldn't say " so I turned the lights down low, put on some luther van dross, and entertained my gentleman on my slowly spinning circle bed": Keri would.
Dylan doesn't get mistaken for my twin: Keri does.

It's a no-brainer: Keri wins over Bobby D. Kerianne, it's a good thing I love you or else I wouldn't let you fill up more than half of my suitcase with your clothes and food for Thanksgiving. I'll do my best to live up to what you told your friends about me, I don't want to dissappoint. I love you sister, and I will see you Sunday morning, bright and early. Yay!

I won't be posting until afterI come back on the 26th probably, so I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Just remember that no matter what you're doing, I'll be doing it in Ireland and having a much better time than you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's Snowing. Crap.

I'm almost postive I'm going to die of heat exhaustion in my room.

I woke up at 8:00 am to do a paper that was supposedly due at 12:30 today. It was the shittiest paper I'd ever written, of course, but I got it done 20 minutes before class. Only to find out it's not due until next Tuesday. I could have slept for 4 more goddamn hours.

I'm obsessed with the album If You're Feeling Sinister by Belle and Sebastian.

I was supposed to go home Thursday, but instead I'm staying until Friday so I can go out for Stephanie's 22nd birthday. My friends are getting old. We're doing this thing called "ride the rail" at Molly's, nine different beers for $25 and then you get a free shirt. A free shirt! I'd cut off my right arm if I got a free shirt. I'll also try my first Guinness that night. I wait 21 years to have a Guiness and then do it 2 days before I go to Ireland. Oh the irony. Or is that not really irony. Who cares. If Alanis can do it, so can I.

Bill, no Irish rock for you. I asked for advice on how to best make sure I fall asleep for the 6 hour flight, not advice on what would entertain me. I want no entertainment; I want sleep. Next time try reading the directions more carefully. Maybe I'll bring you home a bag of dirt or something, as a consolation prize.

I didn't do my homework tonight, so I have double to do tomorrow. Crap.

I took a nap today, and wanted to wake up at 7:00 pm to watch the Gilmore Girls, because I'm just THAT cool. I woke up at 8:04. Crap.

I hope The Office never goes off the air because I would cry. I know they only did 2 seasons, or 12 episodes in England and that scares me. I keep laughing thinking about the balding, fat white guy, Kevin, looking into the camera and saying how Michael and his boss Jan "made out and had sex." Also I have a crush on Jim, big nose and all. I found this list of quotes from the show, even though I was really busy and had a lot of important things to do. Read them. Now.

Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace. - Michael Scott

In FOUR days I'll be in the Homeland. With my sister. Hurrah!

Monday, November 14, 2005

The One Where I Can't Stop Typing


I missed the awesomest fucking Bears game. Chicago lived up to its nickname today with the wind blowing around 50 mph causing field goals to be blown 20 yards off course, Orton throwing 4 interceptions (at least I can pretend the wind was the problem there) and a 108 yard touchdown as a result of another missed FG. 108 FUCKING YARDS. I've seen the replay 86 times and it just keeps getting better. Those blocks! Those moves! That defense! That wind! Nathan Vasher is now in the history books, bitches. He was also the"Sounds of the Game" guy and it was kickass to hear all the grunts and hits as he ran down the field. HMT, you're only one who gives a shit so lets cyber high 5 or something. Five goddamn wins in a row. See you in Detroit come January.

Next week is the real test when we play the Panthers at home. They're actually a good team, so we'll really prove ourselves after we beat them. I can't wait to watch that game. Oh wait, I won't be able to. I have to go to Ireland instead. Oh the humanity.

I am really freaked out about the plane ride. If you've ever been on a longass flight, please leave me some advice on what will best knock me out the entire time. Xanax? Lots of whiskey? Qualuudes? A swift kick to the face? Reading my Global Politcal Economy textbook? I want to fall asleep in Chicago, while still on the runway at O'Hare, and wake up in Dublin screaming "WE DIDN'T DIE", no matter how great the in-flight movie promises to be. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Plus I will bring you back a rock. From Ireland! Your very own Irish rock! Hurrah!

I have to read two 25 page papers by tomorrow and critque them. Awesome.
I have to read 130 pages of a book and write a 5 page paper on it by Tuesday. Also awesome.
I'll be in class/at work from 11 am-9 pm tomorrow. The awesomest.

Harry Potter and Walk the Line come out this Friday. My mom and I are going to see one of them, but I can't decide what I want to see first. Harry Potter so I can rub it in Keri's face? Or Johnny Cash so I can jizz all over myself? You KNOW how much I like jizzing. It's a tossup.

I'm taking two sweetass history classes next semester, the History of Chicago and Modern Ireland. It's almost like they knew it was my last semester. Not as excited about having two classes on Fridays and starting at 11:00 am every day. I haven't had a class on Friday or before 12:30 since freshman year. Again, the humanity. What the fuck.

I went to McDonald's today (I am apparently doing my best to sabotage the 11 lbs I lost) and after I ordered the server goes "Would you like to donate a dollar to save a child?" I didn't want to be accused of murder, so I gave my dollar just so my conscious would be clear. I had no idea my dollars had special healing powers or else I would have donated earlier. It was kind of like the time I went to give blood, but got denied after telling them I had been to the Domincan Republic. I explained, "Well it wasn't REALLY the Domincan Republic, it was a small ass island off the coast that the cruise line owned." She then asked "You don't want to get little baby a sick if your blood is tainted, do you?" Yeah, maybe I do. What now? LAY OFF THE GUILT TRIPS.

The plus side: I did get a free Destiny's Child song to download. All the blood-taker-outer-people gave me was a "I tried to give blood today" sticker. Cheap bastards.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Pubes and Pete-ish

Jenns: yeah, I think I'll take a picture of my pubes right now
Me: aaaaand saved
J.P: my nose looks jewish???
Me: yeah it looks big, like bob dylan-ish
J.P: I've never heard anyone use bob dylan-ish as an adjective
Me: at least I didn't say Pete Townshend-ish
J.P: true

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Top Three...

Things I Learned Over the Weekend:
1. When cooking bacon in the oven, be careful when you take it out not to spill really hot grease all over your fucking foot. Also, I scream in a really high pitched voice when being burned.
2. If you are already sick and have a sore throat, having a pack of cigarettes and screaming at the top of your lungs for the 80's cover band at the bar will make you sound like a hoarse man for the rest of the week.
3. I really won't die if I don't have a cigarette for 2 days. Two down, the rest of my life to go. Wish me luck.

Things I Miss:
1. My mom offering to make me chicken noodle soup when I'm sick. And by "make" I mean heating up a can of Campbell's.
2. Being able to see my brother and sister. I haven't seen Keri since September 17th and J.P since August 17th. Being sibling-less is not cool. I have all these pent-up Tommy Boy and Wayne's World lines burning a hole in my mouth. MUST. GET. THEM. OUT. SOON.
3. Baseball. At least the Bears are winning, and that's fucking awesome, but only one game a week is not satisfying my cravings. Plus there's no Joe Crede and Paul Konerko.

Things I Have to Do Before November 17th:
1. The final draft of my 25 page research paper.
2. Three two page papers for my sociology class.
3. A five page book review for another history class. When will I start all this? November 16th.

Favorite Songs of the Moment:
1. One of These Things First - Nick Drake
2. Lips Like Sugar - Echo and the Bunnymen
3. Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian

Random Thoughts:
1. Why is it still 65 degrees? In November. In Northern Illinois. I don't understand it. I'm not complaining, but it's just weird.
2. Ariel, I hope your trailer didn't get blown to pieces by the tornado and that you are safe and sound. Also, I just looked at my old text messages the other day and saw the ones you sent me the night of the Sox game. I don't remember much of that night, so I'm sorry I didn't reply.
3. Why am I a dumbass? I sent out the bill to Comcast and forget to put the check in it. I impress myself more and more every day. Maybe that's why my internet decided to go out in the middle of writing this post. Fuck you Comcast.

Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Going to Ireland to see Kerianne in 12 (!!!) days. Holy shit, somebody get me some Xanax right now so I don't die on the plane ride. That wouldn't be cool.
2. Drinking a Guinness in a pub with my sister. Have I mentioned that? How I'm so fucking excited to see my sister? Like so excited I start hyperventilating when I think about it? No? Yes? One more time, just to clarify. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY SISTER. Keri, please leave a comment verifiying this so I don't look like as much of a creepshow or something. Do it or I'll tell Mom how you give free beejers to homeless guys.
3. Breathing normally and sounding like the goddamn lady I am again.

Favorite Memories of the Weekend:
1. The C10 reunion of a bunch of people who lived on my floor freshman year Thursday night. Talking about how stoned we were all of the time, or how we got busted by the cops all those times or how we stole the furniture from the other floors and put them in our lounge and got a $50 fine per item never gets old.
2. Threatening to hit the short guy in the balls the next time he "forgot" and touched my stomach again, after telling him not to 400 times. Short people are stupid.
3. Dancing with Jose the Astros fan who I had met the night the Sox won the World Series and rubbing it in his face that his team lost. That never gets old either.
4. Going over the Nick and Mikes after the bar and staying until 5:00 am learning how to play Euchere (sp?). Do we know how to throw down or what, bitches.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

One Of These Things First

I'm going to my two classes tomorrow. REALLY, I AM. Just because I haven't been to them the past three times doesn't mean I can't wipe the slate clean and start all over. Teachers like when you don't show up. It proves to them how much of a badass you really are, and really what's college all about, other than proving your badassness to your professors?

My friend Stephanie (who I call Step-on-me because I'm just THAT CLEVER) is taking me and Emily to eat in the dorms tomorrow. She's an RA so she gets free food, blah blah, and so we take advantage of her every chance we get. It always makes me realize how I never fully appreciated Nacho Thursdays when I lived in the dorms freshman year. You don''t know what you got til it's gone. Joni Mitchell never lies.

Then we're going to see the movie In Her Shoes at the cheap theatre and I know already that I am going to cry. A lot. Like whole-pocket-size-of-Kleenex a lot. The movie's about sisters and since I haven't seen my sister in forever and miss her like a witches tit (you like that Ker?) the whole time I'm going to be thinking, through my tears, "WHY CAN'T I FIGHT AND THEN TEARFULLY MAKE UP WITH MY SISTER? GOD I HATE IRELAND. ALSO WHY IS EMILY EATING ALL MY POPCORN? SHE IS A WHORE." And just so you know, I'm the pretty one, Cameron Diaz. You're the "chubby" one, Toni Collette. Being "chubby" in movies just means you're a size 8, so don't fret. But I'm still the pretty one so don't you forget it.

I'm getting sick. Awesome.

Tuesday night Emily and I went out and when I came home I threw myself in bed and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and Carly asked me "Do you remember coming into my room last night?" I SLEEP-WALKED AGAIN. This time I just opened the door, stared at her then shut the door and left. I am so fucking creepy. I've realized this happens when I got to bed drunk. Why is it starting now at 21 and not at 15 when I started drinking? My friend Megan reminded me of when I sleepwalked into my parents room over the summer, and I was drunk that night too. I have turned into a creepy drunk person. I'm going out tonight and I'm really going to tell Emily and Carly to lock their doors when they go to bed. It's for their own safety.