Sunday, October 28, 2007

Tax-Deductible Charity Organizations

You know what blows? When your favorite football team goes from almost winning the Superbowl one year to being fucking 3-5 the next year. Goddamnit. It's just like the White Sox not even making it to the play-offs in the 2006 season. It's not like I'm giving up on the Bears or anything, dragging my ass out of bed to watch football on Sundays is what I look forward to most all week, but throw me a goddamn bone here. Three fucking interceptions IN THE END ZONE Brian Griese? Really? Was that nessecary? Where's Orton when you need him.

The one saving grace? Devin Hester man, Devin Hester. If I could have his babies I would give him sextuplets just to show my appreciation. I don't know if he would actually appreciate being my babies' daddy to six kids, but I'll worry about the details later. I wish teams would stop being such pussies and just punt to him, but who can blame them for not, the guy gets at least 40 yeards it seems on every return. So I can't blame them, but I will hate them for it because most of the time it's the most exciting part of the game, seeing what holes he's gonna find in the defense and how far he's going to get. I want a Hester jersey for Christmas. J, Ker, you listening?

I am finally taking advantage of my weeks paid vacation I get at work and going to California on November 13th thru the 19th. Everytime I talk about it I get either California Love by Tupac, Goin to California by Led Zeppelin, California by Phantom Planet or California by Rufus Wainwright in my head. Ninety-nine percent of the time it's Tupac, but it's good to know I have options. (Why are there not as many Illinois songs? I am going to do something to rectify that situation pronto). I'm going with Diana and we're staying with her aunt and cousins, whom I love almost, if not more, than my own extended family. While there we're going to the Price is Right on the 14th (which Diana is way too excited about, I could really give a shit) and Jimmy Kimmel on the 15th, which I am way too excited about. Can I really afford this vacation? No I cannot, but I'm doing it up anyways. One of the first thoughts that popped into my head when I realized we'd be there a Sunday was "oh my god, I might miss the Bears game", but fret not kiddos, it's a Sunday night game on NBC, there is a god. I can't wait to pop my California cherry.

Five Minute Book Club Meeting: Read We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. Ms. Mac, having such impeccable taste, said it was one of her favorite books and since reading it, I whole-heartedly agree with her. It's a book written in letters from a wife to her husband recounting their marriage and the birth and upbringing of their son, Kevin who goes on to do a Columbine type (I'm not giving anything away here) massacre at his school. Kind of made me scared to have kids, but god was it a good book.

I got the new Radiohead album the other day (I didn't give them any money for it, I'm broke, lay off) and am not a huge fan of the whole thing, but love, love the song All I Need, which is the reason I bought (with monopoly money) it after hearing it on the radio. There are a couple good songs though, so get it cause it's free and you can't beat that OR CAN YOU.

The Lions coach Rod Marinelli said last week that they'd rather kick the ball into Lake Michigan then kick it to Devin Hester. So after EVERY SINGLE (no it did not get old at all!) punt/kick-off, before breaking into a commercial, they would show a ball getting tossed in the lake and floating around for a few seconds. The first time they did it my back was to the tv and my mom's telling me "the ball was in the lake!" I told her about the quote and how they were probably joking, but she was honestly confused for a minute about how the ball got kicked into the lake. Come on Mom. I know the stadiums right on the lake but nobody could throw (maybe Tom Brady?), let alone kick the ball into the lake, let's think about this seriously for a second. And then later she asked me what inning it was. Is it time for the home already mom?

Me and Keri have this thing where we're obsessed with the song Elephant Love Medley from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. It's a duet between Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman's characters and before we sing it, one of us has to pick if we're going to be Nicole or Ewan (I know, who wants to hang out with us now?). We hadn't done it in a couple months I don't think when on the way home from the bar Friday night, as Keri was driving and I was in charge of the iPod, I asked her "who do you want to be?" Without even thinking about it she says "Ewan". And then we belted our hearts out. I'm sure Diana was thrilled in the backseat. Is it possible to be in love with your own sister? No? Okay. Just asking. Forget I said anything.

We got it. Challenge it.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Talking Quotes

I had a dream last night that my sister wanted to get a tattoo. A tattoo of the earth with the word "Imagine" ABOVE it. I know, sounds pretty awesome right? The only problem is I have a tattoo of the earth with the word "Imagine" UNDERNEATH it. Oh my god people I was ANGRY in this dream. Like crying hysterically angry because I was so mad that she was going to get the same tattoo as me. Listen up bitch, if you EVER decide to do that, I can't stop you, but I will hold you down and spit in your ear. What now.

Thursday night we went out and I locked my keys in my car outside the bar (it was really far, then I fell in some tar, the night really was not up to par) so Will gave me a ride home because he was out too. Then he got really angry for some reason and we fought for the umpteenth time about how I don't like him like that, but he doesn't understand why, come just admit you have feelings for me and good lord, shut the fuck up because if I have to explain myself one more time I am going to shoot you in the fucking face afterwards. So I told him to leave and went to bed. I wake up the next morning to three text messages. I now present you with thee texts:

Will at 4:47 am: This is the last message I send you I truly care about you and I know it means nothing to you but if you ever have a change of heart - it gets cut off.
Will at 5:08 am: Ya this is the worst night ever not only did I lose you but I got hit by a car walking home and they drove away drunk drivers - cut off again. (Run-on sentences much?)
Lisa, his sister, at 6:08 am: Hey did you and my brother get in a fight tonight? He got hit by a car on the way home from your house. He is at home and out of it.

I don't know what I expected these text messages to say, but him getting HIT BY A FUCKING CAR was not one of them. Not like it's funny, it's not funny at all, but come on, yes it is a little bit. He's fine, his back hurts him, but he's still up and functioning considering he GOT HIT BY A CAR, ROLLED ONTO THE WINDSHIELD AND THE CAR JUST DROVE OFF. I didn't get why he was walking in the first place, but his car wouldn't start and he only lives about 7 blocks away so he just walked. Every time I tell someone I can't help smiling and laughing about it, not because I am a terrible person, but because it's just so fucked up. He got hit by a car. He then texted me (I know, it's the most logical thing I can think of to do when I am involved as the "hit" part of a hit and run). He finishes walking home. God WHY CAN I NOT STOP LAUGHING ABOUT THIS.

The other day at work some old dude, at least 70, came in to send something out. He had on a t-shirt with one of those yellow smiley faces on it that said "Smile if you swallow". I actually made a conscious effort to NOT smile the entire time I was helping him, like he was really going to call me out on being a "swallower" if I cracked a tiny smile. I just never pictured myself having to worry about a customer knowing if I swallow or spit. I guess there's a first time for everything.

I just bought an album on iTunes called Gulag Orkestar by this dude named Beirut and it's awesome. It has an Eastern European-gypsy-like tinge to it which I would never expect to be attracted to, but I obviously have a huge boner listening to it right now. It's an older one, I guess he just put out a newer one last month, but I'm working on it in chronological order so fuck off. iTunes is my lover.

Reading update: I just finished No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy and it was super good. Way different from The Road, but written in the same literary style which I really like. It's simple, with barely any commas, apostrophes and no talking quotes (the technical term eludes me), which I love. I mean I love books with no talking quotes, not talking quotes themselves. Talking quotes can go to hell for all I care. I have Torette's and all I can say is talking quotes. TALKING QUOTES.

If you guys missed the Ken Burns documentary The War last week, then I feel really bad for you. If you ever find yourself with 14 hours to spare, rent this and laugh, cry and be amazed like I was/did. It was seriously faaaaaaantastic.

Friday, October 05, 2007

It's The First Of The Ascension

I stupidly tried out the "update your template" button the other day and can't undo the changes. I hate how the archives look now and can't do anything about it. It also erased my stat counter thingy (the techinical term for it). How will I ever find out now what people searched for to find my blog, HOW WILL I EVER KNOW. I am aggravated.

So Cubs fans, it was over pretty much as soon as it started. I almost hope for your sakes they win at least one game tomorrow cause to go out 0-3 is embarassing. I don't know anything about that because the Sox went 11-1 in the playoffs. And then they won the World Series - not sure if you remember that. We were at the bar Wednesday for karaoke but instead it was filled with Cubs fans watching the game. One of my friends, and I use that word in the loosest way possible, is a Sox fan too and was being a complete tool about the whole thing, clapping when the Cubs struck out, that kind of shit. She went to ASU for two years, so she reasoned her rooting for the D-backs by saying every chance she got "Arizona is my second home." Ok, makes sense, but still, you are annoying. By the end of the night it had changed into "I've lived in Arizona my whole life and would die for the Diamondbacks! I grew up there! I used to manage the team! Before that I was a third base coach! I hit the game running home run in the '84 World Series!" Which is really weird, seeing as I remember being in French class with her in high school for four years. Must have been a dream. Christ on a crucifix, I WILL ASSASINATE YOU NICOLE IF YOU DO NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I bought a cd by Tokoyo Police Club yesterday and aren't sure if I like it. Cool - I love wasting my money.

It's almost 90 degrees here in Chicago. And it is NOT June like I keep thinking it is. Seriously, each time I see the date or am reminded that it's October I'm surprised. Time to get ready for Flag Day, or no, I mean Halloween. They're one in the same to me anyways.

My parents finally came home last Friday. Keri and I were out and they didn't get home until about 1:00 am while we didn't get home until 4:30. So what did we do? I convince Keri that we should go jump in their bed to say WELCOME HOME! to them, who cares that it's almost 5:00 am - we haven't seen them in three weeks. So then we jumped in their bed and laid there for about five minutes talking really loudly and being annoying. My dad really appreciated it more than my mom did, I'm sure of it. Anyways, so you guys have been back for a week now.....when are you leaving next. Don't overstay your welcome. And yes, I am 23 years old.

If my family doesn't humor me and go apple picking with me either Saturday or Sunday like I've been pleading with them to do for the past week, I'm never talking to any of them again.