Lover I Don't Have To Love

I am a dirty dirty bitch.

I was telling Keri about Antonio about two weeks ago, and she goes,
"You're just like Jerry Seinfeld"
Me - How?
Keri - You don't like people based on the smallest things.
Me - Holy shit, you're right.

I AM Jerry Seinfeld. Well at least Jerry's character on Seinfeld. I don't like people based on the stupidest shit. The summer going into college, this guy Brian liked me, and on my last night before I left for school, he took me out on a kind-of date. We went out for ice cream, but before we could do anything else, my friend called me bawling her eyes out becasue she thought she was pregnant, so he took me home so I could go see her. He came up to visit me once at school, just for the day, and would come up periodically and take me to visit friends at ISU. He must have taken me there at least 4 or 5 times, and nothing ever happened. At first I really liked him, but he took too long to make a move, so by the time he told me, three months AFTER we had gone out for the first time that he "had a crush one me" I was over him. There were plenty of oppurtunities for things to happen, but he never made a move. You know why I started not to like him? Because of the way he danced. Honest to God, that's what turned me off. And it's not like I have some sexy dance skills of my own, I don't. Not by a long shot. But when I do dance, I know I'm making an idiot of myself, and other people can tell too. He on the other hand thought he was all smooth and it made me want to throw up. Plus one time he put on a John Mayer cd on the way down to ISU. This caused my ears to bleed. I didn't think I hated John that bad, but good lord, his cd was awful. And then another time he turned off my favorite song and wouldn't put it back on. Asshole. But really, my main cause of hatred was his dancing. I couldn't stand it.

With Antonio, one of the reasons I don't like him is because of his monotone voice. He never changes voices at all, when telling a story, whispering, talking in class or when he's trying to be funny. It drives me up the wall. This was the reason Keri told me I was like Jerry. I don't like people based on the smallest offense. Once I notice "the offense" it's all I can focus on and I can't get over it. Lame I know, but what are you going to do about it? Another thing about Antonio is the way he is in class. I know I used this line already in telling Keri and Jenn this, but he's a know it all who thinks he's god's gift to political science. Here's what he said today in class.

Teacher - What was Max Weber trying to say was the problem?
Antonio - Protestant work ethic.
Teacher - Right. Can you explain what protestant work ethic is for us Antonio?
Antonio - *big sigh* Nevermind. I learned this in eighth grade. I don't need to explain it.

Woah, take it down a notch asshole. I, for one, do not know what work ethic is and I'm sure I wasn't the only one in the class. Are the rest of us who don't know not as superior as you because we didn't learn it in eighth grade? I'm so sorry the teaher asked you to explain something for the rest of us that must be so obvious to you. Please tell us how we can stimulate you in class, since all of this must be so beneath you can't even asnwer the question without acting like a douche bag. Going off on bit of a rant there, but he really annoyed the fuck out of me today. Thank god our second class together was cancelled, I don't think I could have sat next to him for another 75 minutes.

He asked me during class if I had any plans tonight, and I said no, that I just had my night class though. He asked if I wanted to come over to "smoke weed and watch tv" and me not knowing what to say kind of said yes. I think I'm over the whole smoking weed thing anyways. I don't enjoy it anymore and would rather drink instead. So what do I do after night class? I keep my phone off so I can't answer his call. I was going to call him at 10 or 10:30 to tell him I had homework to do, but now it's a quarter to 12 and I still haven't. I really didn't feel bad until Carly says to her boyfriend, "Katie ditched her date tonight!" I didn't even think of it as a date (who thinks of smoking weed and watching the telly as a date) and I didn't think of it as ditching him since I was going to call and make up something later anyways. But ever since she said that about 30 minutes ago I feel like an ass. And rightly, I should, because as I first stated in this post, I'm a dirty dirty bitch. Keri keeps telling me to tell him that I don't like him "like that", but how to I bring that up? I can't even make up a fake conversation for it. It's just too awkward and I don't want to think about it. I think I need to go to a therapist and get over my fear of boys who actually like me. This might take years.

I thought I had more examples of me being like Jerry, but I can't think of any. The comparison probably doesn't sound good typed out, but it was perfect in my head. I think that Bright Eyes song I used in the title sums it up for me. I just want a lover I don't have to love. Or doesn't love me in return. Christ, it doesn't even have to be love. I just don't want anyone to like me. Son of a bitch, bitches.