Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I Advocate The Usage Of Butter For Lube

Tonight is my last "school night" of the year. Tomorrow around 3:00 pm I will be done learning about India, Russia, China, anthropology and modern European women FOREVER. Thank god. I don't think I've ever hated five classes so much in my life. Since I go home on Friday, every single day is a milestone that I feel the need to tell everyone about.
"This is my last Saturday to get drunk here."
"This is the last time I'll wake up here on a Sunday."
"This is the last time I'll watch Desperate Housewives here."
"This is the last time I'll finish off a gallon of milk and throw it away here."
I don't think it's really hit me yet that I'm going home for the summer on Friday. The fact that my 21st birthday is on Thursday is something that I am fully aware of, but leaving the next day is something I don't want to think about. Of course I'll be here over the summer a lot because Emily and Carly are staying here, but I'm still sad about it. Emily and I are fine now, I finally stopped acting like a bitch, so now I'm going to miss her like a banshee.

Last night I had two huge tests to study for and a three page paper to write. Needless to say, I was a little bit crabby and overwhelmed. I started to get angry as I was writing my paper, because of how DARE this school screw me over with this awful final exam schedule. Basically whenever I write a paper I get mad and to get out my anger I name my paper something that expresses just how fucking angry I am that I'm sitting here writing a 6 page paper when I have much better things to do with my time, like lay on the couch eating swiss cheese watching Roseanne reruns (how's that for a runon sentence?). The one I wrote yesterday I named "Modern European Women are douche bags." I didn't realize how often I did this until I saw all the other documents names - "I hate India" "China blows" "Russians are pussies" and the most angry of all, "stupid journals." Can you feel my bitterness that caused me to use the harshest word possible, "stupid" to describe those goddamn journals? Yes, it does make me feel a little bit better knowing I'm writing a paper I named "Russians are pussies", I won't deny it. I am very lame and easily amused.

My mom sent me a finals week care package last week and in it was a bunch of food, including a few Laffy Taffy's. On each one there are two jokes that some little kid writes, and on the one I got is a joke that doesn't even qualify as a joke. Since I've told everyone and their mother this joke so far, I have to share it with everyone here.

Why don't cats have any money?
Because they don't have any pockets.

What?

Does anyone get this? I told my friend Nick and he was like "WAIT DON'T TELL ME....it has something to do with purr-se or paws or something." No, there is no pun in there. Because they don't have pockets? What the fuck does that mean? This joke made me unnessecarily angry. Why did this kids parents allow him to send in this joke? And how did Laffy Taffy people approve it? Is there something I'm missing? I'm going to hunt down Robert M. Fulton from Missouri and slap him around for a little bit for making me read this joke and for my heart rate go through the roof because of my anger. All I want to know is, who's coming with me?

Things I learned over the weekend:
1. People don't like it when you and your friend Mike tell them you fucked their mom and dad. And they liked it. Confrontations ensue.
2. My friend Chris is the best ever. He bought me beer, cigarettes and nachos. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is.
3. I oversleep for important lunch dates with Emily if she's not here to wake me up.
4. Encouraging people to take shots of the salsa is not a good idea because then they make you take one too. Your mouth burns for an hour just because you didn't want to look like a pussy.
5. Seeing someone trying to steal a cigarette from your purse and calling them out on it IS THE BEST EVER.

I turn 21 in 1 day, 21 hours and 59 minutes. Holy shit, can you handle it bitches?

8 comments:

Jenn said...

This is the last time you'll blog from there on a Tuesday.

The shit you name your files is hilarious. You're such a dork! I'm sure China, Europe, India, and Russia can't wait 'til you someday tour their lovely countries. You'll be all over the news. Send me postcards! Since you didn't from Florida, doucheface.

I totally get that joke. I don't know why you got so angry. It makes complete sense! I'm still laughing.

1. You and Mike are jackasses. Sheesh.
2. Tell Chris Mami needs a new pair of shoes.
3. Emily should really throw water on you one day. You wake up crabby anyway, at least she'll get to laugh about it.
4. What kind of salsa was it white girl? I'm sure it was oh so yummy. Your ass was burning the next day wasn't it? Hah!
5. Who'd you catch stealing from your purse and what'd you say. Details, I want details, bitch.

James said...

c'mon - that is a funny joke.

Ms Mac said...

I thought it was funny.

We can handle you turning 21. Can you???

DyingBurningFighting said...

I don't see how you turning 21 really matters. The only difference is you don't have to worry about cops catching you sloshed and you can buy your own beer.

Ummm... Yeah, okay, that joke wasn't funny, but since it was probably written by a five-year old, I didn't really expect it to be.

doym said...

That joke sucked, it's like one of the crappy ones you get in christmas crackers....lame!!

An old girlfriend loved a joke that went something like:

Whats big and Yellow and doesn't float down the Mississippi?
A Bulldozer!

Lame as well but it makes you laugh because it's stupidly true.

doym said...

You linked me!!! if i come to the US you will be the first person i kiss!!

Bill B. said...

Congrats Katie.......I'm so proud of you for turning 21. Drink your little heart out and NEVER get tired of the scene. This is the last time I'll ever wish you a happy 21st birthday! How's that for a milestone. Anyhow woman kick some ass on those tests and papers and do these guys know how to party or what? Meal-e-walk-kay!!

Jay said...

and to think katie, within 2 weeks, 4 days, and 18 hours you'll be COMPLETELY tired of the bar scene


me and laurie are gonna send you some kools for your birthday too we decided.